Food, Drink, and Scented Candle Pairings For Your Worst Holiday Sads

I looked up some information on the dietary needs of vampires and besides that whole sucking blood thing, many credible sources on Yahoo Answers suggest that you can eat as much garlic as you want and even eat dairy, which is great because that means you can eat as much pizza as you want without gaining any weight!

You may want to avoid sunlight, though, according to someone who knows a vampire:

Yes, absolutely [Garlic has] no effect on them what so ever. Trust me, the vampire I know is Italian. Basically the only thing that could effect them from the myths is sunlight. Some real vampires have allergic reactions when in the sun too long.

So stay out of the sun, have a fucking pizza and drink a Bloody Mary. Thank whichever deity you’re supposed to that you’re not immortal and remember that people have to invite you into their homes now, you can’t just waltz in anymore. If you’re feeling festive, you can purchase blood-scented candles on Amazon or from this Tumblr user and Christian Witch who may or may not be using actual real blood. May want to check the legality of that out first.

Crisis: You have a case of hot farts and have to stay away from everyone for fear that you might accidentally gas a small child or ailing relative to death. Oh, you’re also at your new boyfriend’s house. Good times.

Solution: Don’t hold the farts in and don’t push them out. A wise man once told me that farts, if deferred, do not dry up like raisins in the sun but just disappear, so what you’re going to want to do is breathe and time the intervals between traumatic gastrointestinal episode or go into the bathroom and try to fart it all out, which won’t work, because it never does.

At this point there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to save yourself. You’re probably going to have to spend the evening in another room, hoping that no one will be able to smell anything if you’re farting under a blanket (they will, way to fail physics in high school) and trying not to die of embarrassment.

Your best bet is to either try to calm the farts or, like Pinocchio, irritate the shit out of them so they turn into one mega-fart and that ends the entire conversation. Try the former first: Grab a couple of Tums and a packet of activated charcoal and wait it out for an hour. Don’t drink beer, but clear alcohols such as Smirnoff and Tequila should be fine. Is there a peppermint schnapps in the house? Have one of those to soothe your nerves.

Didn’t work? Of course not. So now you’re going to have to go nuclear. Get a bottle of Tabasco sauce and drink five drops. Then, have a piece of cake and then another. Wait until you feel like you’re going to birth a tiny alien from your stomach, go outside (into the hallway is fine, this is for your benefit; they’ll be able to smell this in China regardless) and just let it go, let it go, don’t hold it back anymore. Just know that, like Elsa, you’ll likely be ostracized, if only for a little while. Have a glass of Everclear. You deserve it.

Crisis: Your entire family was killed right before Christmas and you were the girl that death left behind.

Solution: Stop living in a Lurlene McDaniel novel. Is this even a serious thing that might happen to someone? Why are you people fucking with my ability to give practical advice?

Crisis: You’re at your partner’s family’s house and the entire thing is boring as all get-out because they’re talking about cheesecake they ate once and also may not even be speaking the same language you are. Someone mentions something about buying you a sofa.

Solution: Is there a christmas tree with lights or another manner of festive holiday display? Are you in a wet or dry household? The answer to these questions will change the way you deal with this situation drastically.

If you are in a dry household eat holiday cookies and look at the pretty lights until you fall asleep. Hopefully you will be woken up when it is time to go home and your partner will defend you as “just being tired from the long trip.” If there are no lights, eat cookies anyway. If there are no cookies, demand something with a carb in it. Do they have butter? Butter is a carb!

If you are in a wet household, drink until the pretty lights meld together and form one giant halo of beauty. If there are no pretty lights, drink until you see some. If your partner’s family looks at you passing out below the Christmas tree in your underwear and whisper “alcohólico” at each other, that’s just their way of inviting you to take another shot of their Costco brand whiskey. (At least that’s why my partner told me.)

Crisis: You’re 80 percent sure the dude you’ve been chatting with on OkCupid is actually four 12-year-olds using a fake profile.

Solution: You know those holiday displays at the grocery store? The ones that are full of cookies and pastries meant to symbolize the joy of the season? Buy one. No, not a box, an entire display…because nothing is going to make this better, baby bird. You were fooled by not one, not two, but four 12-year-olds and you’ve been chatting with them regularly. You may have sent nudes. How did you not figure all this out more quickly? Listen, If you’re 80 percent sure, then you’re 100 percent sure so now all that’s left to do is eat yourself into an actual diabetic coma and hope that you come out of it by the time this dreaded season is over. What the fuck, OkCupid? What the fuck, humanity?

Crisis: Your tiny Jewish dad insists on wearing his newsboy cap everywhere.

Solution: This is not a crisis. Frankly, your father sounds adorable and you sound like an ungrateful monster, so maybe turn it down a few notches, lay off the drinking and light a Vanilla Bean Noel candle to remind you that this season is all about love and generosity, not shaming your dad for expressing himself.

Illustration by Tara Jacoby.