Let’s check in on on Fiona, the baby hippo, who is an inspiration to me and so many others in a world devoid of most pleasure, on the occasion of her six month birthday. Fiona, girl, you’ve made it! I love you.

Aside from making it to six months happy and healthy and fat, she’s also done more than I have in my entire life. According to the Rapid City Journal, she has an ice cream flavor named after her. It’s called Chunky Chunky Hippo, which feels a little rude, and is “toffee ice cream with salted roasted peanuts and milk chocolate caramel truffles.” I’m not sure how that really applies to Fiona, a precious angel with smooth yet rubbery skin and the patience of a saint, but it does sound delicious. Also, last week she was made an honorary sheriff’s deputy. Fiona! I’m so proud.


“Grow baby grow!” tweeted the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden, and honestly, I could not agree more. Just look at this majestic creature, cunning, sly, and well aware of the fact that she is, as NPR points out, a “social-media star.”

While it’s great to see her breaking hearts and taking names while also weighing in at a respectable 404 pounds, let’s take a closer look at her journey.

Here she is reuniting with her parents, who seem thrilled to have the little lardbucket back in action.


I don’t know much about hippos except that I love them and that I would not want to make one angry, but I assume that a six-month old hippo is just as adorable but slightly more self-aware than a six-month old human baby. I don’t know, just watch this video and feel happiness again.


Fiona doesn’t care. Fiona isn’t here for your shit. Fiona’s very busy and important. This has been your Fiona update. Carry on.