Fiona the Hippo Is My Soul, My Hope, My Leader, My Purpose

Image via the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden
Image via the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden

Quick, name three good things in the world right now. I’ll start: Fiona the Hippo is alive, Fiona the Hippo can swim, and Fiona the Hippo is thriving. No need to offer any other suggestions. Fiona the Hippo is giving me all the happiness I need in these trying times and I don’t know where I’d be without her. Goddamn, I love this hippo!


What is it I love so much about Fiona, resident of the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden? For starters, hippos are objectively great as long as they are not attacking you. Hippos are my dad’s favorite animal and I remember him explaining why: They’re basically the least fucked-with animals in the savanna. They are massive and their jaws are like trash compactors and that skin is thicker than the bowl of steel cut oatmeal I ate this morning. Even with that arsenal of weapons, all hippos want to do is hang out in the water and enjoy their vegetarian diet in peace!

Now, some of us may have negative opinions about zoos and that’s fair. But since Fiona arrived, the Cincinnati Zoo’s meticulous documentation of her journey has been pretty damn great. These updates have become one of the few things I know will never disappoint me.

My love for Fiona swells by the day and knows no bounds and for that reason, I wrote her this poem.

It was many, many months ago

In a facility in the Cincinnati area

That a hippo there was born whom you may know

By the name of Fiona

And this glorious creature lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by Kara

She was a child and I was child-like

In this kingdom modeled after the land of malaria

But we loved with a love that was more than love

I and my Fiona

And this was the reason that long ago

In this kingdom modeled after the land of malaria

A zookeeper pulled out her phone and snapped a vid

Documenting my Fiona

So those videos and pics and adorable gifs

Bore me into a state of hysteria

As I watched her frolic and grow and eat

In this kingdom modeled after the land of malaria

Ok, that’s as far as I got because that is a hard ass poem to spoof and Annabel Lee dies at the end and FIONA IS NEVER GOING TO DIE.

The best thing about Fiona is how she just gets me:


Me too, Fiona! Except instead of fish, insert: literally everyone and everything in my orbit.

I thought I was this hippo, but I now have seen the light and know for sure that Fiona and I share one tender soul.


Fiona, you are the best thing we have right now. I support you, Fiona. I will protect you, Fiona. And I will “like” any picture or video of you no matter the social media platform, Fiona. Don’t let me down, Fiona. Please don’t let me down.

Senior Writer, Jezebel


Little Animal

Dats my baby! ❤️

I want to be this lady.