Finally, A Car for Me

Illustration for article titled Finally, A Car for Me
Screenshot: Twitter / @welegi_ (Other)

I have never learned how to drive because driving scares me and cars are big machines that seem unsafe to operate. Yes, I understand that 16-year-olds drive and that I should stop being a baby and get behind the wheel, but I’ve never found a car that suits my needs—until today, roughly twenty minutes ago, when I saw the car of my dreams.

Here she is— my trusty steed— a small car in the shape of a pea. What appeals to me about this car is its shape but also, the size. The fact that it is round and also small leads me to believe that it would be easy to “parallel park” or to regular park, because a sweet little baby like this would just get in where it fits in. Something else about this car that seems decent is that it would be a real head-turner on the mean streets of Brooklyn, where I would drive it very slowly and nervously to and from places like Ikea and maybe a grocery store that is not the one I walk to every day. Maybe I am naive to think that other drivers on the road would give me leeway because of this car, but I imagine that many drivers would slow down and gawk at my little green baby, which means that I would have more space to do things like cautiously activate my turn signal three blocks before it is necessary and to roll through a stop sign instead of stopping in full.

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Some possible cons to owning this car are that I’d have to pay for insurance and you know, fuck, I’d own a goddamn car that looks like a pea. Also, I would drive myself crazy being fearful of the big trucks that rattle down my street, shaking my entire apartment building. Imagining my little body crushed like an actual pea in this pea car if I were T-boned at an intersection is not something I want to think about regularly, but if I were driving this baby, well, I imagine that’s all I could focus on. Seems bad for my mental health, and also for the safety of the other drivers on the road. But! I am a woman who can do anything she puts her mind to, ha ha, and so if I want to drive now because I have found my dream car, well guess what, bucko, it’s gonna happen. Beep beep, I’m on my way. I’m driving in the little pea.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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swarovskicrystalpepsi
Swarovski Crystal Pepsi

Paint that thing red!