Who Is the Best Driver at Jezebel?

Illustration for article titled Who Is the Best Driver at Jezebel?
Image: MGM

The first time I ever attempted to drive a car was in the parking lot of Staples in Kingston, New York, near the DMV. I had just acquired my learner’s permit and my father generously let me attempt to drive the one car we had in the family around the parking lot. When I shifted from first gear into second, the car made a noise that sounded expensive and so I stopped. I navigated a family friend’s rusty, boxy Volvo around the parking lot of the high school a few months later. An ex-boyfriend let me cautiously drive his car in the parking lot of a community college in San Francisco at night, where I managed to almost back out of a parking spot and nearly clipped a mailbox. I have not attempted to drive since.


However, I understand that this life skill is important. But working at Jezebel has given me the best gift of all: a staff of capable adults who could, if hard pressed, drive me and my stupid ass to the hospital, the club, or off a cliff, should the need present itself. In our current pre-apocalyptic times, it’s important to have a good driver on your side. The end is nigh. The wolves are howling. Get in the car, skank, the time is now.

My criteria for who makes a good driver are arbitrary, based on autobiographical information (where the driver in question learned to drive and how often they drive now) and a proprietary blend of personal and professional characteristics—the contours of which will not be revealed for my own personal safety and also because I am a woman of mystery. Please note that Katie McDonough, senior editor, has been left off this list because like me, she does not know how to drive.

Toot toot. Beep beep. Who is the best driver at Jezebel? I am here to tell you.

16. Julianne Escobedo Shepherd

15. Alexis Sobel Fitts

14. Jennifer Perry

13. Ecleen Caraballo

12. Maria Sherman

11. Emily Alford

10. Hazel Cills

9. Lisa Fischer

8. Clover Hope

7. Ashley Reese

6. Esther Wang

5. Kelly Faircloth

4. Rich Juzwiak

3. Stassa Edwards

2. Joan Summers

1. Molly Osberg

Edited to include Ecleen Caraballo, social editor at Jezebel. Jezebel regrets the omission. 

Senior Writer, Jezebel


Raphael Orlove

Instead of nearly clipping the mailbox, I would simply have crashed directly into it.