Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, Week 9: Kylie's Lipkit Out Here Thriving
LatestThis is the ninth week of Jezebel’s first annual Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, a fantasy league about the Kardashians, the Jenners, and closely-related family members. The rules are here; playoffs are January 9, 2016.
This week all teams hit a midseason lull, but they did so while running the ground with a dogged ferocity. Though Thanksgiving put the league’s mindset through the ringer—not to mention, slowed most every player down on the field—Commish has a good feeling going into the holiday season, particularly since every team thrives on product, and product is what gets the ol’ GDP over the hump at the end of every year. Our earliest best bet is on Team Nobody, whose MVP Kylie Jenner sold out three lipsticks and landed on the cover of Interview dressed like a BDSM doll in Gucci pumps. The onslaught was enough to push her team to the top of the heap, while former contenders Team Bush & the Tush and Team the Gross Fan nosedived into a tie for last place. It’s a long and rocky road from here.
TEAM NOBODY
Kylie Jenner
Blog mentions: +57
App mentions: +4
Magazine cover: +20
Lip kit launch: +10
Sold out in 30 seconds or whatever: +5
Rob Kardashian
Blog mentions: 0
Bambi, Norman and Other Dog Jenner:
Blog mentions: +1
Dog gets skinny-shamed by the Daily Mail: +5
Coach just realized they have their own Insta: -2
Insta has not been updated in 36 weeks: -3
Reign Disick
Blog mentions: +1
Total yardage: 98
Performance summary: HUGE WEEK FOR TEAM NOBODY. LITERALLY YUGE. Number 1: Coach just realized the dogs have their own Instagram. (357K followers, dormant for more than half the year!) Number 2: Dogs got skinny-shamed by the Daily Mail, pulling off a play unique in its nuances to our time and furthermore rarely accessible outside the world of humans. Number 3: Kylie Jenner ran the fameball with unequalled stamina, proudly promoting her lips and butt to set her own personal season record. She got a magazine cover in a wheelchair with her ass cheeks out (is this a Gary Shteyngart book, I’m not sure), she put out a line of literally three lip products that immediately started reselling on eBay for 5x the price, and she was pretty chill about all those things (if anything in the Kardashian Jenner realm can be said to be “chill”). Truly—and this may be the well-known Team Nobody Stockholm Syndrome coming into play—I am proud of the truly populist cheapness of the Kardashians. All the points go to the fact that that lip kit was only $29. —Jia Tolentino
TEAM BIBLE
Kim Kardashian
Blogs: +29
App mentions: +9
Tabloid covers: +5
Caitlyn Jenner
Blogs: +11
New hairstyle: +5
Tabloid covers: +5
Brody Jenner
Leah Jenner
Did something: +5
Total yardage: 69
Performance summary: Team Bible is playing with purpose and focus through the midpoint of the season, hopefully enough to get us a chip come playoff time. Speaking of chips, did you notice how Kim’s been eating so much now that she’s pregnant again? Don’t you wonder why? It’s as if she’s more than one person. (Conspiracy.) Much of the focus last week was still on Kim and her difficult pregnancy and food, food, food. She tweeted at one point: “I’m convinced pregnancy just isn’t my thing lol.” She’s kidding! “i just joke. i am soooo not worried about my weight and what others think. i am confident in my bounce back game lol.” Seems that Kim is experiencing some third trimester delirium, lol, much like a fantasy league coach whose eyes are starting to glaze over while reading Kardashian-related headlines, tabloids and Twitter accounts, lol, watching the words blur together into a mosaic of nothingness, lol. Eyes. Prize. Clear head, clear eyes. Huh? Huh. By the way, Leah hung out with Caitlyn. Thanks for showing up to practice, girl. —Clover Hope
TEAM I THOUGHT YOU HATE HOT PINK
Kourtney Kardashian
Blog mentions: +22
Outside shill: -5 (FitTea, scourge of the family)
“Fancy” inside shill: +5 (Art Basel party at Dash Miami YAS GOD)
Scott Disick
Blog mentions: +14
MJ Shannon
Mason Disick
Blog mentions: +8
New haircut!: +5
Total Yardage: 49
Performance Summary: These players continue to surprise, and as the family unit comes back into play—Scott and Kourtney had lunch together, y’all—the strength upon which the team was predicated becomes a factor once more. After a surprise play last week by Grandma MJ, she’s faded back on the sidelines, but young Mason more than made up for it by getting a chill new hairdo, which the ‘bloids called an “undercut” but which in our playbook we call a “reverse Skrillex.” The final outcome is still a bit of a mystery, but this team thrives on mystery. We will eke our way to third or fourth place. —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd
TEAM BUSH & THE TUSH
Kendall Jenner
Blog mentions: +14
New hair: +5
App mention: +1
Inside magazine spread: +5 (Love)
Corey Gamble
Blog mentions: +3
North West
Blog mentions: +5
Brandon Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total Yardage: 31
Performance Summary: Turkey-induced lethargy seems to have hit the team hard this week. While many athletes actually spend their holiday, ya know, working, Team Bush & the Tush seemed to think their current standing as second in the league warranted them a little break. (Coach Kate here to remind them: it didn’t.) They’re going to be spending the rest of the holidays doing sprints to work off the weight. There were a lot of missed opportunities: Kendall showed the most effort, but even she seemed tired, perhaps from all that time she spent lying naked on a horse. Corey Gamble was invited to the Kardashian family Thanksgiving, but was upstaged by an unknown friend of Kanye’s (though anyone who watched Kim and Kanye’s wedding special knew who he was). North West is still the team’s biggest disappointment; headlines this week were dominated by her forthcoming brother, who is still just a mere fetus. And Brandon, despite two clear attempts to get his mitts on the ball, fumbled both passes. They all might say it was just a brief foray into much stuffing, but as usual, I’m not interested in excuses. Ignore the hors d’oeuvres trays and hit the gym friends. —Kate Dries
TEAM THE GROSS FAN
Khloe Kardashian
Blog mentions: +14
Book mentions: +10
Kris Jenner
Blog mentions: +7
Penelope Disick (daughter of Kourtney and Scott)
Blog mentions: +2
Casey Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total yardage: 31
Performance summary: Oh, great. Another week with the losers of Team The Gross Fan. This week, my horrible players (who are on the verge of being cut) gave us expected moves like mentioning Kris’s sweet potato souffles (they bring those up every Thanksgiving) and talking nonstop about Khloe’s book, and a teensy tiny handful of garbage moves that didn’t give me enough points to move up in the rankings. Those included Khloe telling us that she prefers going to the gym when she’s mad, Kris telling us that she loves her daughter’s new lip kit, and Penelope, god love her, appearing alongside Robert Kardashian in this horrifying piece of fan art. Guess what, I didn’t even get points for that monstrosity. Until next week! Oh wait, I almost forgot: who the hell is Casey Jenner? —Bobby Finger
COMPREHENSIVE SCORES TO DATE
Team Nobody: 640
Team Bible: 634
Team Bush & the Tush: 578
Team The Gross Fan: 490
Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink: 455
Contact the author at [email protected].
Image via Interview/Steven Klein