Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, Week 7: The Way Things Were
LatestThis is the seventh week of Jezebel’s first annual Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, a fantasy league about the Kardashians, the Jenners, and closely-related family members. The rules are here; playoffs are January 9, 2016.
To commemorate this week’s premiere of Keeping Up With the Kardashians—Season 11!—the league took a look back to how it all began, nabbing our players’ photos circa 2006, when each one was just a rookie with a heart of gold and a championship ring in their dreams. As the teams duked it out on the field this week, we thought about how no matter how tough the going got, the tough got going—these stars shine so brightly they could blind you, and they’ll play long and hard until the very end. Kardashian-Jenners outchea.
Team Bush & the Tush
Kendall Jenner
Blog mentions: +24
Vogue spread: +25
New hair: +5
Red carpet events: Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, Topshop line launch, +10
Corey Gamble
Blog mentions: +7
Red carpet events: Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, +5
North West
Blog mentions: 8
Brandon Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total Yardage: 84
Performance Summary: “North West Is Excited to Have a Sibling! ‘’We Talk About Baby Brother All the Time,’ Says Kim Kardashian,” E! Online squealed, one of its seven heads about to pop off from the effort. I’ll believe it when I see it, because we’re not seeing any results from all this alleged “talking” on Team Bush & the Tush; this week baby North (who, sadly, won’t be the only baby in her family for much longer) delivered yet another middling performance. This girl needs social media training stat if she’s gonna pull her weight. Her sorta-grandpa Corey Gamble was also not much help; he may have a fly pair of Yeezys, but besides some ominous Instagrams (an angry but majestic tiger; a coded aphorism), he’s not really throwing any strong passes. However, I do have high hopes for his further appearances on this season of the family’s televised version of their life. And I’m almost getting tired of saying this (who am I kidding, no I’m not), but it was Kendall Jenner who was—yet again—the star of the week: she got another Vogue spread with a new hairdo, but most importantly, she participated in one beautiful incident of calling her sister Kylie a cunt on national television. You don’t get a QB like this every day, but when you do, you put her in and don’t take her out. —Kate Dries
TEAM NOBODY
Kylie Jenner
Blog mentions: +52
App mentions: +6
Topshop line launch: +5
Rob Kardashian
Blog mentions: 0
Bambi, Norman and Other Dog Jenner:
Blog mentions: +1
INSTA APPEARANCE IN MEME: +5
Reign Disick
Blog mentions: +1
Total yardage: 73
Performance summary: Despite coming in hot with 73 points, I consider this a stunningly weak performance by Team Nobody. But that’s because it’s been a difficult week in general and my standards for team effort are about to stop getting polite and start getting real. Norman Jenner pulls a surprise field goal by appearing in a MEME on Kylie’s Instagram; Reign Disick was dragged into some headline that I’ve already forgotten, and Rob Kardashian, as usual, didn’t even show up to play. As far as I can tell, Kylie the MVP didn’t do anything other than launch her Topshop line, show off a bunch of Benz friends, and get egged onstage somewhere in Australia (aw!)—but the Daily Mail continues to fellate her so hard that she pulled upwards of 50 headlines on that site this week. (I think one of them referred to Sister Kendall’s legs as “endless,” which has ruined me in my mental game of pretending that tabloid hyperbole is literal.) “PRAY FOR PARIS,” she screamed in the endzone, then: “COME TO DADDY.” And the world spins on and on. —Jia Tolentino
TEAM I THOUGHT YOU HATE HOT PINK
Kourtney Kardashian
Blog mentions: +29
Red carpet: +5 at something called the BABY2BABY GALA
Shameless, endless shilling for KUWTK & APP MENTION YALL: +10
Scott Disick
Blog mentions: +23
Embarrassing shill for 24k gold face mask?: -5
MJ Shannon
Mason Disick
Blog mentions: 4
Total Yardage: 66
Performance Summary: This was one of Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink’s better weeks, no thanks to consistently underachieving players Mason Disick (so cute, but cute does not an athlete make) and MJ Shannon (perhaps a grandma who doesn’t seem to leave the house wasn’t the best decision as a draft, but there were owner politics involved, you know how these things go). Scott Disick’s release from rehab nabbed a fair amount of yardage, but he just couldn’t resist going back to his old tricks, earning a few penalties for a face mask. The drama between Kourtney and Scott, though, piqued on KUWTK this week, and the ‘bloids were flooding with speculation about their potential reunion, as well as the standard tripe about her bodacious trim beach bod, a Daily Mail obsession. Do they want to be with her, or just be her? We’ll never know, but as long as she keeps landing the touchdowns, this coach will keep calling on them as refs. —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd
TEAM BIBLE
Kim Kardashian
Blog mentions: +39
App mentions: +2
Caitlyn Jenner
Blog mentions: +22
Brody Jenner
Leah Jenner
Total yardage: 63
Performance summary: The good thing about Team Bible is that even when we have bad spells, we still get the job done and eke out a win. After a great showing last week, Caitlyn fucked it all up with her Glamour Woman of the Year speech about how the hardest part of being a woman is “figuring out what to wear.” Protests even happened outside one of her appearances and she’s been labeled a disgrace to trans people. There’s not much I can say, so I just pulled her aside in the locker room, sighed, and said: “Do better,” before walking away in slow motion. Much of the Kim news was about her pregnancy, which means that baby is putting in work early like a true star. High five. There are still a few areas we need to tighten up, like app promotion for example (also, Brody seems to have a problem staying motivated. Maybe he hates me?), but for the most part I think we’re maintaining home court pretty well. —Clover Hope
TEAM THE GROSS FAN
Khloe Kardashian
Blog mentions: +18
Outside product shill on Instagram: -5
Book mentions on Twitter: +10 (For the second week in a row, there were so many that I’ll just go with 10.)
Kris Jenner
Blog mentions: +10
Penelope Disick (daughter of Kourtney and Scott)
Blog mentions: 0
Casey Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total yardage: 33
Performance summary: Thirty-three, man. Thirty-freakin-three. I’m truly disappointed. You know what? I’m not even gonna lie to y’all. I’m sad. Straight up sad. The worst part of being a coach isn’t the long days practicing. It’s not the restless nights you spend thinking about how to make sure you’re a good leader who brings them success. It’s not even a loss here or there. No, the worst part of being a coach is realizing that you’re helpless—that nothing you could possibly do could get your team to the championships. Khloe? Lost cause. Everyone’s finished breathlessly giving her yardage because of Lamar, and her book—though it’s all she can talk about—doesn’t make for a major tabloid headline. And Kris? Don’t even get me started. All she cares about is her straight-off-the-JV-squad boyfriend Corey, who is about as interesting as Penelope Disick and Casey Jenner, who once again didn’t even bother showing up to practice. Hit the shower’s team. Oh wait, none of you are even here? Who the hell have I been talking to? Ugh, I need to go home. —Bobby Finger
COMPREHENSIVE SCORES TO DATE
Team Bible: 513
Team Tush & the Bush: 498
Team Nobody: 463
Team The Gross Fan: 421
Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink: 333
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Images via AP. Logo by Bobby Finger.