One could fill a dictionary with the sloppy, messy, no-good details of what is likely the most passionate—yet wildly petty—love story of the millennial generation. The saga of Rihanna and Chris Brown/Drake and Rihanna/Chris Brown and Karrueche Tran/Drake and Karrueche Tran is one for the ages, but it's also one to not tell your grandchildren about because dear god, we don't need this behavior to be repeated.
With all the recent hubbub surrounding this group of good-looking, Twitter-addicted multi-millionaires, it seemed like an excellent time to take a trip down memory lane and reflect on how exactly we got here.
Early 2008: After years of friendship and musical collaborations, Chris and Rihanna become a couple.
February 2009: Chris assaults Rihanna and is later charged with felony assault. Three weeks later, the couple is spotted together in Miami Beach.
August 2009: Chris is sentenced to five years of probation and is slapped with a five-year restraining order where he must remain 50 yards away from Rihanna and 10 yards away during industry events.
2010-2012: Rihanna and Drake make beautiful music together and are probably definitely hooking up whenever Rihanna feels like it.
February 2011: Rihanna agrees to ease the restrictions on the restraining order against Chris. They are now legally allowed to be in contact as long as Chris doesn't annoy or harass her.
March 2011: Reports confirm that Chris and Karrueche Tran are officially dating. The media continues to refer to her as "an aspiring model." Countless pictures are taken of Chris leading Karrueche in and out of nightclubs, restaurants, hotels and courthouses.
Image via Splash News
March 2012: Rihanna and Karrueche begin what will become a series of social media fights. Rihanna, being the master of petty Twitter wars, generally comes out on top while still wallowing in the mud that is publicly fighting over a man with neck tattoos and anger management problems.
June 2012: Chris and Drake are involved in a brawl at New York City nightclub, W.i.P. The story goes that Drake taunted Chris by rubbing his relationship with Rihanna in Chris's face and everyone proceeded to act like mature, rational adults. The aftermath:
Image via Instagram/NY Daily News
The next day, Rihanna posts this picture on Instagram:
September 2012: Chris and Rihanna publicly kiss at the MTV Video Music Awards. The world unnecessarily speculates whether or not the couple is back together.
October 2012: A video helpfully titled "The Real Chris Brown" shows Chris talking about life, loss and about the haunting trouble of being in love with both Rihanna and Karrueche at the same damn time.
October 2012: Chris simultaneously breaks up with Karrueche and begins dating Rihanna again.
Image via Rihanna's Instagram
January 2013: Rihanna opens up about her relationship with Chris in an interview with Rolling Stone. The money quote: "He doesn't have the luxury of fucking up again." It is unclear if Chris got that message.
February 2013: Chris and Rihanna attend The Grammys together.
Image via Getty
May 2013: Chris and Rihanna break up while Chris simultaneously gets back together with Karrueche. Funny how that works.
June 2013: Drake overshares during a GQ interview about his relationship with Rihanna and is super annoyed because, like, Chris just totally doesn't deserve Rihanna, ya know?
Still, none of it sits too well with Drake. "It's embarrassing, the amount of media coverage," he says. "Two rappers fighting over the woman. He's not even a rapper, but still, it's the last way you want your name out there. It distracts from the music. But he's made me the enemy, and that's the way it's gonna stay, I guess."
September 2013: Drake plays it slightly more coy in interview with Ellen. Ellen, like a boss, totally blows up his spot.
October 2013: Chris is arrested for felony assault in Washington, D.C.
November 2013: Rihanna and Drake presumably continue to hook up whenever Rihanna decides to text Drake back.
March 2014: Rihanna and Drake hook up in various European cities. Some might even refer to them as, hopeless places.
Image via Splash News
May 2014: Chris is ordered to serve 31 days in jail for a laundry list of fuck-ups.
Image via Getty.
June 2014: Chris is released from jail.
July 2014: Drake and Chris are photographed together in a recording studio and they appear together in a humorous skit for the ESPYS. AND OH EM GEE ARE THEY LIKE FRIENDS NOW? DOESN'T DRAKE REMEMBER THAT GQ INTERVIEW?
August 2014: Drake and Rihanna are probably still hooking up.
November 2014: Rumors surface that Karrueche might be pregnant with Chris' child after their appropriately-named friend, Wackstar, posts a suggestive photo on Instagram:
December 2014: Shit. Goes. Gown.
Chris and Karrueche break up again (BUT THIS TIME FOR GOOD?) and both parties handle things very poorly. During a Instagram caption war of words (what a time to be alive), Chris reveals that Karrueche cheated on him with Drake while he toiled away in jail. A hot minute later, Chris apologizes for being a petulant man-baby. Drake's "friends" deny that he and Karrueche ever hooked up because Karrueche's ass isn't big enough for Drake. Rihanna smokes a blunt (probably). And Karrueche tweets this photo:
THE END. (Hopefully but probably definitely not.)
Top photos via Getty and AP.