Exclusive: The Situation's New Book Is The Literary Equivalent Of An Ed Hardy Tee

We got our hands on a copy of Here’s the Situation—hitting bookstores on November 2—a quarter-inch thick paperback featuring the Jersey Shore star’s wisdom. Here, we randomly grab five paragraphs from its 133 pages.

Not only does the tome offer The Sitch’s tips on creeping, etiquette, fashion, and physical fitness, it also has anecdotes, craft instructions (to make an “ab pillow”), a clippable “wingman” coupon, and a glossary for such “shore speak” as “battle,” “grenade,” “fresh to death,” and “crush.” Perhaps the most interesting revelation is that The Situation doesn’t wax his eyebrows—he threads them.

Anyway, this page—about beating up the beat—is a good representation of the general tone, look, and feel of the book (click to view full size):

Light on text and heavy on doodles and graphics — pretty similar to The Situation’s brain, we imagine. Let’s jump right in:

No matter what T-shirt you select, whether it’s fitted, graphic, sequined, bedazzled, crew-neck, deep-V, wifebeater, or what-have-you, it’s about being proud of who you are. If you want to bust out a deep-V that’s safety-cone orange because you think that’s your color, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it like you do. Set the trends, don’t follow them. I wear what makes me feel good because I’m at the tip of the spear—the cutting edge of fashion that’s fresh to death. When I see something I like, I grab it. My only system when I shop for fresh apparel is my own primal reaction to what I see, the moment I see it. When I enter a store, I trust my eye to zero in on what’s mint. That’s the single most effective system I have for knowing when to pull the trigger on a purchase. If I find myself hemming and hawing, that’s a clear indication that the garment in question is not destined to make my rotation. I walk away from the rack because I’ve failed to make a connection to those threads. On the other hand, if I know from the moment I see it that that particular piece is going to make me look awesome, I trust my instinct completely and it comes home with The Sitch.

From a section titled “Beverages”:

Personally, my favorite drink in the club is anything given to me for free, because I’m famous. For those who must purchase their own, here’s what I recommend:
Top Five Club Drinks
1. Vodka and ice
2. Vodka and Red Bull
3. Vodka and Vitaminwater
4. Vodka Smoothie
5. Devotion Vodka (which is the only vodka to include protein and is endorsed by yours truly. I got your back, bro.)

From a chapter titled “Wingmen and Grenades”:

Nine out of then times, the grenade is a grenade because she’s ugly and fat. She’s mad at you and at life because everyone is more interested in her hot friend. (On rare occasions, a cute girl can slide into grenade status because of a horribly bitchy personality, or for being obsessive and possessive about the guy she wants to be with. But possessive chicks are better described as Stage Five Clingers, which we’ll get to in Chapter Eight.)

On being famous:

One day at the mall, my boys and I decided to pop into The Cheesecake Factory for a quick bite. There was a mob scene of patrons waiting inside the doors so I had my good friend, The Unit, go inside to check on the availability of a table. By the way, The Unit, who was my college roommate, is almost always at my side. He has got mad game all his own and there’s not doubt that America will be seeing much more of him very shortly. So, The Unit approached the hostess and said, “Look, I’ve got The Situation with me. Do you have any tables?” She seemed physically pained by the predicament The Unit was putting her in. She said, “Y’know, it’s a ninety-minute wait. He’s a very recognizable face. If we bring him in here ahead of all these people who have been waiting for so long, it would no doubt cause a lot of animosity and might be viewed in a very negative light for both the restaurant and for The Situation. That being said, we’ll do the best we can.”

From a passage titled “As Per Haters”:

Whenever you attempt to do something extraordinary in your life,whenever you put yourself out there in an attempt to succeed and in turn risk falling flat on your face, there are going to be people on the sidelines second-guessing you and making fun of you as a mechanism to disguise their own fear and envy for the life they’re watching you achieve. Those people are called haters. Attention, haters: It’s been a lot longer than fifteen minutes.