Everything Everyone Did Wrong on This Week's Looking

By Mark Shrayber | January 26, 2015 | 6:25pm

Entertainment

Last week: Richie made an appearance, Patrick was a dumbass and Agustin, as always, was a huge fucking asshole of the worst order. This week: Pretty much more of the same, except more enemas and less Richie. But more Eddie and rimming, so… win? (Also: is every HBO show now contractually bound to feature heterosexual ass-licking?) (Ugh, gay people did it first, HBO.)

Anyway here’s how everyone fucked up because no one on this show is ever right about anything except for me.

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Patrick trying to make weekend plans with the boss he’s fucking.

Here it comes, the mid-season arc. Patrick and Kevin are getting hot and heavy and now Kevin’s boyfriend (aka Young Tate Donovan But With Less Gums) is gone for an entire weekend. So Patrick and Kevin are going to spend an entire weekend cuddling and fucking and pretending they’re in a relationship, except not really because Kevin still has a boyfriend he’s not leaving who’s going to call right after they’ve finished cuddling.

Seriously: The boyfriend will always call and the dude who’s cheating is going to take the call because he’s a) feeling guilty and b) is paranoid that if he doesn’t take the call his boyfriend will think he’s cheating, which will backfire anyway, because the cheater who answers the phone is always nervously whispering, “Yeah, I’m at home. No, just by myself. Not doing anything. I just like to whisper. It relaxes me.”

Patrick taking the boss he’s sleeping with to events with friends who may/may not know that he’s sleeping with the boss.

Awkward: Your friends don’t know and say something totally innocuous that you’ll get mad at later, even though they had no idea and no reason to suspect that you’re letting your boss do you up the poopchute real good.

More awkward: Your friends do know and hate your boss and don’t really want anything to do with him and it’s obvious, so everyone feels bad and the entire day is ruined and there’s just a lot of crying and yelling later. But maybe this is just something that people do on TV? None of my friends have ever brought their sidepieces to events before, because they are respectful and don’t like putting others in uncomfortable positions (outside the bedroom, hehe).

Agustin trying to make amends for being an asshole in person.

If you’re going to apologize, send a text or a Facebook message. It doesn’t matter how you do it as long as you’re sincere, but don’t force an interaction on a person who you’ve wronged. That’s rude. To be fair, though, I’m probably just mad because it was Agustin trying to make amends with Richie. Richie doesn’t need your apology, Agustin. Also: Why don’t you ever apologize to your friends, on whom you are a heavy burden and a miserable cross to bear? Fix the problems in your home before you start doing public outreach.

(Also: If you’re not friends on Facebook, paying the $0.99 to push the message to the person’s regular inbox is a very nice way to show sincerity. #lifehack.)

Patrick thinking his “weekend of cheating” with Kevin is a test-drive for their eventual relationship.

LOLWUT.

Patrick announcing that he’s buying enemas for anal sex reasons at the Walgreens in the literal Castro where basically everyone buys enemas for anal sex reasons, never for medical ones.

LOLWUT. U BASIC.

Agustin trying to be a better person. but also fucking meddling and gossiping and shit.

You can’t just apologize once to one person (out of the many, many people you’ve wronged) and then call yourself Agustin 2.0. Especially if you’re going to continue being a meddling windowlicker.

Patrick cleaning out his butt for anal sex.

If he can’t love your Santorum, Patrick, he can’t love you.

Dom and Doris being roommates at 40.

Now there’s nothing wrong with having a roommate as you quickly hurtle towards middle age, but if you’re going to cohabitate with a friend, you should set some ground rules. Like knocking before one enters a private bedroom naked, because there might be other people naked in there. Also, having loud sex while others are in the house.

I had a roommate who had sex once in the house and it was still too much because she sounded like a muppet while she was doing it. Now I’m not trying to sex-shame anyone here, but if you’re going to blurt out “ELMO LOVES VEGGIES!” at the height of passion, at least have the decency to do it quietly.

Also: I’m pretty sure that Doris and Dom are about not to be roommates anymore. That’s where this is headed, right?

AND THE ONE THING THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT AND CORRECT:

Richie calling out Agustin because YES FINALLY.

Why doesn’t this happen more often? Agustin is the biggest dick in the world to everyone and no one ever says anything. These people are supposed to be in their 30s. Where is the frank and open communication?

Richie should have just let Agustin leave and suffer the fact that he’s irredeemable, but he was too nice and for that I will never forgive him. Except of course I will, because he’s the best and most adorable.

See you in two weeks when Patrick learns that being in an illicit relationship is not all it’s cracked up to be but still doesn’t act like he’s an adult!

Image via HBO