England Issues New Coronavirus Law That Essentially Bans Sex With People Outside Your Household

A group of people in Hyde Park, which will soon be the site of hundreds of acts of public fornication!
A group of people in Hyde Park, which will soon be the site of hundreds of acts of public fornication!
Image: Getty

New legislation in England issued a strict edict to its citizens Monday, prohibiting “indoor gatherings” with anyone outside of their immediate household in an attempt to curb the spread of covid-19. While sex is not explicitly mentioned in the legislation, the implication is clear: if you don’t live with your partner or if you’re single, the quarantine-imposed celibacy that you’ve been maintaining for the majority of the spring is now bound by law.


The Health Protections (Coronavirus, Restrictions) Regulations 2020 Bill went into effect June 1, and defines indoor gatherings as when two or more people are present together in the same place in order to engage in any form of social interaction with each other, or to undertake any other activity with each other,” Mashable reports. Overnight stays at other people’s houses are also banned under the new law and the exceptions are generally for emergency situations or essential workers. Funerals, “elite athletes” and their coaches, emergency assistance, moving, caring for the vulnerable or elderly, education, and escaping personal risk or harm are all allowed under the new legislation, but social gatherings of the sort that people have been bending the rules for are now prohibited by law; anyone found violating this rule can be subject to prosecution. Technically, both people found in violation of this law—the visitor and the visitee—can be prosecuted, but it seems police will not be enforcing this law by busting down doors hoping to catch people in the middle of it, so at least that’s something.

Technically, the law doesn’t specify sex, but under the parameters provided, it’s clear that getting laid doesn’t qualify as an emergency. “Changes to Coronavirus Regulations mean people can spend time outdoors, including private gardens and other outdoor spaces, in groups of up to six people from different households. However, everybody should act responsibly and continue to strictly observe social distancing rules,” a Department of Health and Social Care spokesperson told Mashable. Sex in public is still illegal, but England is full of beautiful gardens and parks, all ready to be defiled by a very horny public. Get to it, lads.



Before I was just a weird misanthropic loser!  Now I am doing my civic duty.