Jogger Discovers Last Two Horny People on Earth

Despite predictions that next year will see a baby boom of infants conceived while there was nothing to do but sit inside and bone, the depressing reality of stay-at-home orders has led many to discover why many zoo animals have such difficulty mating in captivity. Covid-19 has left most of us hornier for our next feeding time than other human beings.

Except, that is, for the two people who broke free of their cages in order to go to town on each other in a South London park last weekend. As a jogging passerby discovered, the pair somehow found the foolhardy gumption not only to get within six feet of one another but also to pay public tribute to the mating rituals of the before-time, much to the dismay of those who would heed both government warnings to stay the fuck away from each other, along with legal warnings to not fuck in parks.

“At 2pm, during my afternoon jog, I spotted two morons having sex by the woodlands in South Norwood Country Park,” the jogger told the Sun, adding that the scene was “disgusting.”

It’s unclear whether the jogger was disgusted by the sex act, which was, judging from the 13-second clip, just a pretty standard, bra-on cowgirl affair obscured by tall weeds, or the blatant defiance of social distancing orders. Either way, the video already looks like an artifact detailing an archaic courtship rite among early peoples. Can anyone remember what purpose the gentle hair stroking midway through the act used to serve? Perhaps earlier peoples were simply more casual about human contact, performing it for pleasurable, rather than procreative purposes. It’s awfully hard to remember the old ways. Will update as anthropologists weigh in.