My 20s were a really hard time. There were ill-adviced and ill-realized perms, gratuitous glitter tops, and awkward online dates. During that tumultuous roller coaster ride called youth, I wish I'd had a guide to lead me through the dark forest of bad decisions and passionless love-making (wait for it!). Well, luckily for today's 20 year olds, a man on Elite Daily published a list of everything I wished I'd known — all 100 things!!!
You know how you were sitting around earlier today thinking "I just really, really want to read some truly useless and also upsetting garbage on my computer screen" — well get ready for the ridiculous noise and the pointless funk of their The 100 Things Every 20-Something Needs To Realize.
First off, this list should be titled The 100 Things Every 20-Something Male Needs To Realize, because this list is so clearly targeted at dudes. Our author, the wee Paul Hudson — the same lil' dude who wrote "Why The Ladder To Success Will Weed Out The Weak" and "How To, Literally, Take Over The World" — seems incapable of talking to women/not being a total sexist when talking about women.
His list is so bizarre, unfunny, judgmental, sexist, weak, hateful, and dumb. This list is Everything. It has it all — it's offensive, but boring! It's infuriating, but banal! I don't know how this junior mint male managed to pull it off, but he did. Maybe that's just called "being 20 years old and thinking you know shit whilst simultaneously having access to the internet?" Either way, Elite Daily has truly out chumped itself — an impressive feat, no doubt — this time.
I've divided everything in the list into 6 categories: OMFG HOW DID THIS GET PAST AN EDITOR?, OH RLY?!?!?!?!!?, Advice From a 20-year-old Regurgitating Random Garbage He Heard an Adult Say Once/Read in His Dad's Men's Health, 20-Year-Old Trying to Be Deep/Meaningless Platitudes, Advice From a Virgin, and Genuinely Good Things to Know.
Let's get started.
OMFG HOW DID THIS GET PAST AN EDITOR?
28. If you want to know if the relationship will work out, then let him see you without your makeup.
32. Guys: she may say it’s an exit only, but that’s only because she’s never given it a try. #Shocker
34. If you can get her into bed before date 3, then you’ll get bored with her by week 2.
35. If you give it up too soon then he’ll consider you conquered and move onto the next mountain.
36. Women are never free.
56. If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore. But who cares? As long as you’re clean, you’re clean.
67. Size does matter. It goes for both sexes.
73. Being smarter does make you the better person.
80. It is morally wrong to be obese.
89. You don’t have ADD.
90. You’re most likely to be your own cause of depression.
15. Sex is better if you are emotionally involved with your partner.
38. Waiting until you get married to have sex is stupid.
Advice from a 20-year-old regurgitating random garbage he heard an adult say once/read in his dad's Men's Health.
16. Reading is always better than watching TV.
17. Watching reality TV makes you dumber.
21. Most people want something from you.
22. There is no such thing as free.
25. Listening to music too loud CAN make you go deaf.
29. Being in a relationship is not a reason to let yourself go.
41. Savings accounts are not for dummies.
42. You will hate yourself for getting a new credit card.
43. If you’re feeling sh*tty, get some exercise.
44. You should always do your best to look your best because it will make you feel your best.
52. As a rule of thumb, don’t do drugs. You don’t ever know what you’re actually taking.
63. They stopped making good music in the 90s.
76. Your cellphone is ruining your life.
84. Don’t drink cheap liquor.
85. Don’t eat crap food.
86. Drink lots and lots of water. Most of you are chronically dehydrated.
Advice From a Virgin
26. Drunken sloppy sex is only good the first time — maybe first two times.
31. Ladies: your teeth are for chewing. We don’t like to be chewed.
37. Men may not only be looking for sex, but sex is definitely a part of it. A big part.
81. A good blowjob goes a long way.
82. Slow and gentle will always get her off. Rough and intense only works on occasion.
2o-Year-Old Trying to Be Deep/Meaningless Platitudes
53. Less is almost always more.
54. Beauty lies in simplicity.
55. Overcomplicating things leaves things overly complicated.
57. Make mistakes now. Making them later will be too late.
58. We all want what we can’t have. Remind yourself of that every day.
59. You can do less and produce more
60. It’s all about efficiency.
61. You can’t buy time.
62. Time itself is an illusion. Always think: “I’ll be there before I know it.” And you’ll prove yourself right each time.
65. Lower your expectations and you won’t be so disappointed.
70. Don’t be afraid to fall in love.
74. Kill them with kindness.
91. The way you see the world is all that matters. But understand that you may be delusional.
92. There’s always more to the story.
93. People lie.
94. You are alone in this life. Accept that and appreciate the moments when you don’t feel so alone.
95. Family is more important.
96. If you don’t work to improve yourself everyday then you are wasting your life.
97. Passion is what makes life worth living.
99. You aren’t entitled to sh*t — nada. You get what you earn.
100. No matter what happens, never give up. Ever.
Genuinely Good Things to Know
66. Using toys can be fun for both parties.
98. You are always better off than most people in the world.
83. If you’re using the pulling-out method, then you have a good chance of pulling out a baby in a few months.*
*Unless you track your cycle and know what's up, then you're probably fine.
Shutterstock/ Luna Vandoorne