Earnest Internet Man Ansel Elgort Wants to Tweet Sad Things Like the Rest of Us

Illustration for article titled Earnest Internet Man Ansel Elgort Wants to Tweet Sad Things Like the Rest of Us
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Ansel Elgort is back on Twitter, presumably because the attention he gets for posing semi-nude on Instagram just isn’t doing it for him “in these times.” Me neither, bud! Anyway, his return heralds a string of half-baked thoughts and in-the-moment sentiments common to Elgort’s online footprint, the byproducts of coming-of-age on the internet like the rest of our cohort. Lately, though, his thoughts have seemed rather blue. What’s got ya’ down, Elgort?

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His first tweet back to the platform on Monday was rather worrying:

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He soon followed up with a correction, admitting “naw jk just sometimes.” The thoughts seemed to persist, though. Another worrying missive came the next day:

Again, I ask, why’s Elgort so down? His “nude” selfie garnered countless donations for the organization Brooklyn For Life. Despite the lack of work in Hollywood, his public profile has held on, despite the complete lack of jobs, because of tweets and Instagram stories like those above. What’s there to be sad about?

Perhaps it’s the crushing realization that nothing in this digital time-warp we live in will ever be enough. There are human-sized holes in our everyday lives, and Zoom parties and Instagram Lives and appeals at popular sentimentality on Twitter—just so you can feel something, anything—won’t fill them back up again. Or, it’s the haunting of a former tween actor who’s achieved success much younger than many of his peers. When he admits that he wants to “delete himself,” maybe he just wants to delete “Ansel Elgort,” not Ansel Elgort. Really makes you think.

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Rather than healing or deleting the Twitter app, Elgort has chosen to channel his pain into bullying Harry Styles stans. Really, them? Punch up, Elgort, not down! Besides, everyone knows a Harry Styles stan can’t fight back. If you’re going to pick a fight, do it with the Barbz or Arianators. At least they’ll leak your address and hack your Twitter account:

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Most troubling, however, was Elgort’s confession that he used to make fake Twitter accounts to follow stans like the one shown above. I mean—who hasn’t right? (I’m a journalist, me and @KimLipHairflip666 have an excuse!) But nobody goes around admitting that! Next, he’s going to come out as someone who argues in the YouTube comments section or fights in Jezebel’s own comments section below. Get help, Ansel. Or at the very least, delete your Twitter!


Last week, it was reported that Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler were getting a divorce because of “marital misconduct,” a legal term that is essential in their state of Tennessee. There was quite a bit of speculation on what that misconduct could be: cheating, fraudulent finances, abandonment, even criminal activity. Among the allegations of emotional manipulation, Cavallari also thinks he’s just lazy and unmotivated!

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Page Six reports that the “core” of Cavallari and Cutler’s divorce is her disgust at his habit of laying around the house. Tipsters tell the magazine Cavallari “was growing increasingly impatient with him. He was supposed to take this big job at Fox Sports and have a life after football that would get him up off the couch and do something.” They continue:

“Instead, he backed out—this is [three] years ago—and joined the [Miami] Dolphins. That didn’t pan out well, and he was left with no TV gig until she got the show for them.”

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When you’re reality television stars—which both Cavallari and Cutler are—doesn’t 70 percent of your daily life entail sitting around the house? If not, don’t tell the casts on The Real Housewives that, or especially Vanderpump Rules. It might collapse the industry completely. He can’t have both of them out of work! [Page Six]


And now, a word from Britney Spears!

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  • Speaking of Real Housewives, sources claim they’ve been rather naughty about social distancing. [Page Six]
  • Do Prince George and Princess Charlotte know what coronavirus is? [Us Weekly]
  • Tom Cruise is taking Scientology to space, where together, they will learn to shit in a bucket at zero-gravity. [TMZ]
  • Emily Giffin is really super sorry, everyone. [Us Weekly]
  • Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears are hanging out everywhere but the gym she burned down. [ET]
  • What happened to Bruce Willis’ daughter after she jabbed herself with that hypodermic needle she found in a park? [Hollywood Life]
  • Prayers up for Ariel Winter’s thumb, which she accidentally threw away. [Just Jared]

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DISCUSSION

mydogisagenius
mydogisagenius

According to the Page Six link, Cutler realized he likes hanging out with their three kids and the animals on their Tennessee farm rather than pursuing a career in sports broadcasting. Is that really such a terrible thing? Can’t he be the stay at home parent while she pursues whatever it is she does? Or is that too modern for her? I guess being a “gentleman farmer” is not what she had in mind for him post-NFL.