Archie Andrews has finally made his choice. In the upcoming 600th issue of Archie Comics, he will propose to brunette bad girl Veronica, leaving Betty, his sweet, blonde lady-friend, heartbroken. For students of pop culture, the fact that gentlemen actually prefer brunettes should come as no surprise.
The issue, which CNN reports will arrive at comic book stores in August, features Archie proposing to Veronica in a jewelry store and will reveal what happens to Archie and company after they graduate college.
Veronica already blogged about the proposal, saying:
I am so excited, I am getting married to Archie. There is so much to do, so many plans to make. I wonder if Betty wants to be my Maid of Honor? I bet she is so happy for me!
No such luck, Veronica. Betty posted on her blog:
I am so sad, I don't even know what to say.
At first glance Betty, who is described in her online profile as, "completely unaffected, loyal and sweet," seems like the more logical choice compared to Veronica, who is, "very conceited, usually fickle, and extremely flirtatious." But in addition to surveys that indicate more billionaires have brown-haired wives, and most men would rather marry a brunette, a look back through the annals of pop culture shows that the sassy, dark-haired girl is more likely to come out on top than the boring, blonde girl-next-door.
Allow us to illustrate with the highly scientific study below:
Marissa Cooper vs. Summer Roberts
Summer: Sassy brunette marries Seth in series finale. Moves on to feature films.
Marissa: Blonde girl-next-door dies in a fiery car crash at the end of season three. Will appear in yet another CW series premiering this fall.
Gabriella Montez vs. Sharpay Evans
Gabriella: Gets Zac Efron in High School Musical and real life.
Sharpay: Consistently humiliated in song. Ends up on cover of this week's OK! talking about her decision to dye her hair brown.
Even when the roles are reversed and the blonde is the bitch, the brunette still triumphs. Point: Brunette.
Lauren Conrad vs. Audrina Patridge
Lauren: Leaves The Hills, fashion line cancelled.
Audrina: Gets bigger role on The Hills, is dating Chris Pine (a.k.a. the new Captain Kirk).
Joey Potter vs. Jen Lindley
Joey: Loses boy, gets boy, dumps boy for his best friend, people stop watching Dawson's Creek when she goes to college, ultimately chooses sassy brown-haired boy and moves to New York.
Jen: Dies in final episode.
Dawson's Creek blurs the blonde vs. brunette sterotypes, making this a hard call. Jen lives next door to Dawson and is blonde, but she's a bitchy sexpot too. Joey is more of a "good girl," yet she is also sassy. Taking Dawson vs. Pacey into account as a tie breaker, in both scenarios the brunette gets the guy/girl. Point: Brunette.
Serena van der Woodsen vs. Blair Waldorf
Feud still in progress: Disqualified.
Tina Fey vs. Amy Pohler
Also disqualified, based on mutual awesomeness.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie
Angelina: Won an Oscar. Has six absurdly cute children. Is either happily married to Brad Pitt, feuding with Brad Pitt, pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby, or some combination of all three.
Aniston: Dated and broke up with John Mayer. Marley and Me was a box office hit and earned more than Angelina's Oscar-nominated film The Changeling. But, she's also so lonely.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Rosie O'Donnell
Elisabeth: Ongoing feud with Rosie culminates in split-screen argument on The View. Survives to argue her conservative points another day.
Rosie: Said the right-wing media portrayed her as a bully attacking "innocent pure Christian Elisabeth." Broke her contract to leave The View.
Technically, Elisabeth wins, but she loses a point on grounds of general obnoxiousness. Tie.
Luke Skywalker vs. Han Solo
Luke: Becomes a Jedi, tries to kill his dad. Loses girl on account of incest.
Han: Completed the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs. Survives being frozen in carbonite. Gets the girl on account of being a scoundrel.
While many have viewed Veronica and Archie's engagement as yet another triumph for the dark-haired, is marrying Archie really much of a prize? It's taken the man 67 years to graduate from high school. Plus, he stupidly ignored Dylan McKay's advice that picking either girl would just lead to trouble. Why were Betty and Veronica sitting around and waiting for Archie to pop the question anyway? The New York Times points out that the issue in which Archie asks Veronica to marry him is only the first part of a six-part-story, so presumably anything could happen. Hopefully both Betty and Veronica will come to their senses and reject Archie, and the widespread, idiotic notion that their personalities should match their hair color. As for Archie, there's always his third love interest, Cheryl Blossom, the redhead.