THEY NEED A BOOB TRENCH
Image: Getty

Summer—she’s here. The beach— she’s there too. Your body? Always there, babe!

The issue, however, is if the body you possess has breasts larger than a handful, laying down on your stomach is decidedly uncomfortable. Breasts flatten and occasionally suffocate their owners, making lying on the tum to (safely) enjoy the sun on the back a bad feeling. There are workarounds: A beach chair is good, but necessitates carrying a beach chair or shoving it in the trunk of your car to then carry to the beach. But if you would rather enjoy the sweet sensation of sun-warmed sand on your underbelly, lying on your stomach is the way to achieve this bliss. And, if you have breasts that are large, they are smushed. Tragedy!

Enter the boob trench, a fun “life” “hack” that is just as easy as it sounds: a small hole for your breasts to lie in, so that they are not compressed by the weight of your body, your mortgage, your student loans, and the world at large. Once you’ve settled into this spot you’ve created for yourself and your breasts, comfort is yours. Lying down with my boobs in their very own trench is heaven, for they are no longer pressed flat against the solar plexus, but are instead suspended in the sand like a mosquito caught in amber. Comfort comes at a small cost. The labor you spend digging the trench is unpleasant, but eventually rewarded. Digging it with your hands sucks, but digging it with your hands is the best way. If you do not want to dig in the sand with your hands, you can use an empty plastic bottle, a mug, a beer bottle, a Ziplock bag that used to hold frozen grapes, or again, your hands, if none of the other options are available to you.

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Think of how nice it will be to lay down on the ground and feel like you can breathe. Read a book. Pick up that other thing that isn’t your phone. Sleep the sleep of a comfortable person, one not suffocating under the mantle of their own flesh.

Correction: A previous version of this post stated that Megan’s breasts were on your solar plexus. It is highly unlikely that this is true, unless they were, in which case it is none of our business. Jezebel regrets the error.