Counterpoint: Don't Have Sex With Demons

Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your witch stick!
Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your witch stick!
Illustration: Hulton Archive (Getty Images)

Normally, the concept of abstaining from sex with demons is understood, something I take for granted that most people share. Unfortunately, after publishing a blog on this site advocating for sex with demons so long as the demon pulls out, my colleague Megan Reynolds has left me no choice but to reiterate this advice: Please don’t have sex with demons—especially when witches are right there.

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As Reynolds explained, on Tuesday, the Daily Beast reported that Houston-based doctor Stella Immanuel—whose video claiming face masks are useless was retweeted by the president and endorsed by Donald Trump Jr.—had some “strange” beliefs about medicine, demons, and aliens. Immanuel’s video was later removed by Facebook, and Trump Jr. was suspended from Twitter for sharing disinformation. More alarming, the Daily Beast reported that Immanuel, a member of the coronavirus-denying conspiracy group America’s Frontline Doctors, “has a history of making bizarre claims about medical topics and other issues” and that she “has often claimed that gynecological problems like cysts and endometriosis are in fact caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches.”

My immediate response was to laugh, until “demon sperm” started trending on Twitter. The topic is filled with people debating whether or not they’d actually have sex with a demon. Closer to home, Reynolds began spreading her own pro-demon propaganda in Jezebel Slack. At 8:35 a.m. PST, she announced, “I think my take is that fucking a demon is amazing, because it’s a sick way to go.” In her subsequent blog on the matter, she elaborated:

Demons have likely been fucking mortals for eons, leaving a trail of distressed and heartbroken people in their wake. With every human whose life a demon ruins, the demon gains important and essential knowledge about fucking that they impart onto their chosen partners, making them really good at fucking and also, somehow, irresistible. Fucking a demon would be incredible, only because it’s definitely not something you should be doing.

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As Reynolds sees it: “When the dick hits right and you know it’s hitting where it needs to, well, sorry to tell you, that’s a demon up in it! Sometimes we don’t know until we actually need to, and by then, it’s too late.” This is clearly a problem Reynolds would have, considering she is a demon herself. But instead of rebutting Reynolds, I’d like to offer a solution.

Demons are aplenty in this world, and just about everyone has, as she says, fucked one of them. (Although he was holding a fish on his dating profile, so there’s no one to really blame but yourself.) There’s an easy life hack that will save you the chaos and despair that results from these decisions, no matter how good the “dick hits”: Just start fucking witches instead! Reynolds claims that “dickmatization is actually a demonic act,” and that the “push and pull” of wanting sex with demons, and being repulsed by it, “is the direct result of a demon dong touching your insides.” Conversely, there is literally nothing to be repulsed about when a witch dong—actual witch dick, strap-on, or otherwise—touches you on the inside.

That’s a bit crass. What I mean to say is, sex with someone who has sold their soul to the dark lord, with power to conjure demons, cast spells, and ride a broom across the sky, is highly preferable to letting some throwaway demon hit it raw from the back. Sure, Dr. Immanuel might claim there are adverse outcomes to such craven pleasures—claims based on obviously bogus science—but I’m here to assure you there are none. Instead, it will be the greatest decision you’ve ever made in your life. Yeah, side effects could include levitating off the bed or having your heart carved out under the light of a full moon, but like... that’s a risk you take every time you have sex. Besides, nothing spices up your love life like the looming threat of the Spanish Inquisition burning you at the stake. And should you find your mortal soul cast into hell for your choices, at least you and your witch girlfriend can explore all the fun ways to have sex while burning alive for the rest of eternity.

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DISCUSSION

This sounds like a cannibal witch take. Cannibal Witch, I have long defended your habit of eating children. They were bad children and they had it coming. But this breach of journalistic ethics, writing a blog post demeaning demons just to try to get laid, is crossing a serious line.