As this dreadful year draws to a close, the universe has begun to pay its inhabitants back for all the terrible things that have occurred—in the hopes that humanity will learn and not fuck it up in the year to come. Historically, we as a species are incapable of course correction on this scale; we make big mistakes and then double down, as if our actions are inconsequential. The punishment Gaia has served for the dregs of 2019 is visually impactful and unspeakably horny: thousands of fish that look like pulsing, plump, and erect penises have washed up on a beach in California in a scene that is out of my most shameful fever dream.
From a distance, the shores of Drake Beach, located near Point Reyes in Northern California, appear to be overrun with thousands of yams that perhaps tumbled out of a truck barreling down Sir Francis Drake Blvd, on their way to a destination unknown. Upon closer inspection, the detritus littering this beach are thousands of fat inkeeper worms—otherwise known as “penis worms”—who have been rudely wrested from their homes in the sand by a recent storm and are now writhing in all their turgid glory in the wet California air.
News of this beautiful gathering of dick came to me via the New York Post, but I do not value the Post for its science journalism. Instead, I look to the original source, which contains a passage so erotic that it must be seen to be believed. From BayNature:
When the tide is in, the worm slides up to the chimney of its burrow and exudes a sticky mucous net from a ring of glands. Sometimes you can see these mucous nets, looking like decaying jellyfish, draped around the burrow entrance. The worm continues to secrete as it slips lower into the burrow, generating a slime-net that stretches from the chimney to the worm’s mouth. Using contractions (peristalsis) to pump water through its burrow, the worm sucks plankton, bacteria, and other bits into this net. When, like any vacuum, the net gets clogged, the worm slurps it all back into its mouth, taking in the particles it wants to eat and discarding the rest into the tunnel.
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People will likely scream and shout about how these bad fish should be sent back to the pits of hell from whence they came. But the nice thing about the fish is that they are edible. In Korea, the dick fish is caled gaebul and is best consumed raw, preferably, with a little chogochujang. That’s a nice use for all this beautiful dick, yes? Sounds good to me.
I do not endorse animal abuse and would never suggest that anyone engage in sexual congress with these dick fish, who are likely not interested and would also be a bad fuck. But the idea of a beach simply teeming with actual dick is both the joke and the punchline. The basement does not flood at these writhing masses, because I bet this beach smells like the floor of a salmon cannery.
Imagine it, dick for days. As far as the eye can see. A cornucopia of dongs, there for the taking. Pick ‘em up. Give them a lil’ jiggle. See where the day takes you. Dick is abundant, as they say, though you must know exactly where to look. Here is all the dick you’d ever need.