Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Cory Booker Is a Great Imaginary Boyfriend But Probably Sucks in Real Life

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If you've been alive this past week, you've been witness or party to Cory Booker fever. He's a hero, has a great sense of humor (important in a man!), and is damn handsome. Is it hot in here or is that just the rising temperature of a million vaginas?

Oh, and did I mention he's also a friend to animals? That sound you just heard is the collective internet throwing their collective internet panties at the man. From near and far, we're besieged with comments ranging from, "Cory Booker for Mayor... of my pants," to "Clinton/Booker 2012," to "Me/Clinton/Booker tonight in my dreams. Yum."


He's like Rob Lowe on Parks and Recreation (but cooler, and therefore more desirable). This guy is so great that we're starting to think that maybe he has a skin suit made out of puppies and babies that he wears when he sleeps. Seriously, what is wrong with this dude??

After much searching, we've found it! Cory Booker isn't perfect for you (or any one person) because he's too busy being perfect for the world. You would never be able to have a romantic evening, just the two of you. It'd always be just the two of you, and his 1,262,184 Twitter followers. Imagine sitting down to what you think is going to be a lovely, romantic dinner and then realizing that he invited the entire population of the 7-Eleven parking lot to enjoy his perfectly cooked Fettuccini Alfredo and meatless balls. CORY BOOKER, you irrepressible saint/fucking terrible boyfriend!


Here, some reasons it'd be a total nightmare to date Cory Booker.

  • He knows the answers to every Jeopardy question, which he likes to play, aloud, while knitting hats for hospitalized preemies.
  • Sunday morning jogs turn into Cory racing to and from burning buildings, carrying people, animals, and precious belongings to safety.
  • Mandatory home gym workouts at 2am. You're trying to do the NYT Wednesday crossword puzzle and Booker is pounding away on the Stairmaster like he's in Flashdance and shouting out answers.
  • You know, at some point, he is gonna start a Kickstarter and he is gonna send the link to you first.
  • He's too busy answering every single Tweet to text you back from across the table.
  • "Date night" is "a meal with every hungry-looking person you pass on the way to the restaurant night."
  • He is too tired from personally repairing the city's infrastructure for sex.
  • You'd never be able to just do a quick grocery store run because Cory would have to make sure every person in the Cost Cutter didn't need help getting their bags to the car/a ride home/someone to pay for their kid's college tuition.
  • Every time you tried to go to Manhattan for a night out, you end up driving people who missed their transit connection/couldn't get a ride. Of course, he does not accept tips.
  • You have to start keeping your spare clothes at the office instead of his place, because he forgets those sweaters are yours and gives them to cold people.
  • Regularly racing into non-burning buildings because someone was frying a turkey in giant oil vat. Cleans up the mess, properly cooks turkey, stays for dinner, but only eats sides as he's vegetarian and his body is a temple.
  • Every date night is just watching another episode of Brick City with patented "Cory Commentary."
  • He just cannot stop taking stray animals to Animal Care and Control; his car smells like wet raccoon and he's constantly getting rabies and tetanus shots.
  • Every politically active lady on the internet wants to steal him from you (they don't know!), and you'd always be worried he was cheating on you with BIG_BOOBS_CARLY.
  • Couples Zumba night

So, there you have it; maybe this dream guy isn't so dreamy after all. Maybe the ordinary whoever currently next to you in bed is better — whether it's a man, woman, dog, or empty space. Maybe, just maybe, Booker is best kept to our imaginations. And in our imaginations, he's a giver, a caring nurturer, and despite devoting so much time to saving Newark and the country (one day!), he still comes home to make us a Smörgåsbord of delicious sandwiches to share while watching the entirety of the "Historical Romantic Comedies with a Strong Female Lead" category on Netflix while also doing it on the cozy afghan he crocheted us for Anna Howard Shaw Day?