Chris Pratt Enters the Best White Chris Discourse

Illustration for article titled Chris Pratt Enters the Best White Chris Discourse
Image: Charley Gallay (Getty Images)

Finally, the other white Chris that no one online particularly likes speaks out about his designation as, I’m sorry, the worst of the famous White Chrises.

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Jezebel’s official stance is that Chris Pine, who is mysteriously absent from Just Jared’s lineup, is the best white Chris. My personal stance is that it’s Chris Evans, the sexiest Masshole there ever was, but that is neither here nor there. What is relevant to this discussion is that Chris Pratt, the Chris that everyone has mostly denounced, has entered the chat.

It seems he has made it into the finals of the AGBO Fantasy football league, which is made up of other famous people, despite having a crappy draft pick. Condragultions, Mr. Pratt. He also addressed the kerfuffle that found him at the bottom of the Chris pile, in last place, for being a rumored Republican and also, maybe kind of a tool. I haven’t the heart or the energy to watch this video all the way through, but I think you can, if you want.

Okay, there you have it! Chris Pratt knows none of us (I’m assuming) like him, and he has heard you and he has acknowledged it. Personally, I think we should leave every Chris except Evans behind in 2021, so if this is the first step in doing so, wunderbar!!!!! [Just Jared]


Technically, if one person dated another for even the briefest whiff of time, once the two of you are torn asunder, you are exes to each other. Following this line of reasoning to its natural conclusion, then, Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are technically “exes.” But I’m not buying this pooh-pooh the tabloids want to sell me about how Madonna was significant enough to A-Rod for it to be weird that Jennifer Lopez dressed up as her for Halloween!!

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What had happened was J-Lo and A-Rod (J-Rod? A-Lo, like the yoga pant?) had their little Halloween stumes picked out for a rager they had planned to have at home, but decided to not do anything for Halloween because of fucking covid. Instead of hosting an event for which they’d likely be dragged on the internet, they had a small gathering with four close friends and dressed up. J-Lo dressed up as Madonna circa “Like a Virgin” and A-Rod, hilariously, did a passable Bruce Springsteen.

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There’s Mom and Dad, looking great. I cannot imagine anyone thought anything other than “that’s nice!” about this situation, so imagine my shock and horror when Andy Cohen asked if it was “weird” that Jennifer Lopez dressed up as Madonna, a woman he (rightfully, sort of) categorized as Alex Rodriguez’s “ex.”

“No, I mean it was so long ago,” Jennifer Lopez told Andy Cohen. “It wasn’t weird at all. I loved it.”

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According to this very helpful article on People from roughly three years ago, A-Rod has also “dated” Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, and Sergey Brin’s ex-wife Anne Wojcicki. Madonna is mentioned as part of A-Rod’s divorce from Cynthia Scurtis, whose lawyers alleged that A-Rod and Madonna had an “affair of the heart” that led to their divorce. Personally, I do not think that Madonna counts as an “ex” in this situation! If Jennifer Lopez had dressed up as Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels, then sure, that’s an “ex” sitch. But Madonna and A-Rod probably, maybe, ugh, I guess, kissed once? Maybe? Or they had an actual affair that none of us know anything about because they would like to keep it that way forever. Either way, my ruling stands: this is NOT drama. [People]


  • Rachel Zoe’s son, Skyler, fell 40 feet off a ski lift in Colorado and is in the hospital, recovering. [Us Weekly]
  • Heather Morris of Glee is sorry for what she said that seemed like it was in defense of Mark Salling, her co-star who died by suicide after pleading guilty to child pornography charges. [Us Weekly]
  • If you want to know why Richie Sambora left Bon Jovi, well, follow the link in the brackets, thanks! [People]

Senior Writer, Jezebel

DISCUSSION

trevorstmcgoodbody
Trevor St. McGoodbody

Also neither here nor there: Hemsworth is very clearly the most handsome Chris.  It’s baffling that he gets placed so low in these non-existent rankings.  I concede that Evans is the most bangable Chris.  But seriously, Pine?  He seems like a nice guy and all, but jeez.