All good things must come to an end, unless you’re a celebrity! Then, things sort of end while you delete the evidence that they did, claim you were hacked, and spend a few months in silent purgatory where things really did end but you’re still pretending they didn’t, wondering when you can finally get rid of the sex bench you bought with your girlfriend slash fiancé without being spotted by the paparazzi!
ET reports that around 9:40 PM Monday night, Cara Delevingne curtly tweeted, “Me and Ashley broke up.” It shocked many, angered some—likely the sex bench community who felt empowered by the couple’s purchasing habits when contemplating sex benches of their own.
The tweet was later deleted as fans began noticing “suspicious activity,” which led many to believe that Delevingne was hacked. In preceding tweets, someone claiming to be Delevingne tweeted about free iPhones, “turning straight, and the “good head” Ashley was giving her. Those tweets were also deleted, but thankfully, screenshots last forever! (Until they too get deleted, of course.)
In the aftermath of this alleged hack, many are left wondering: “Was it really just a May-December romance for Benson, Delevingne, and their sex bench?” But I’d like to posit an alternative theory: Pretend you had a huge fight with your girlfriend, and in anger, tweet that you are breaking up. Then, pretend that your girlfriend says some magic words that heal your broken, angry heart. You realize you’ve made a mistake, but can’t just delete the tweet. It needs to look like a hack. After quickly googling “hacked Twitter,” you tweet some more about free iPhones and free give-aways and sex acts, leave those tweets up for a beat, then dramatically delete all of them. Fans think you were hacked, and nobody is the wiser that you were on the brink of ending your beloved relationship (with your sex bench.) Just a thought! [ET] / [E!]
Nick Cannon may be divorced from Mariah Carey, but he certainly isn’t divorced from her drama! After Eminem called the elusive chanteuse a nut job on some Fat Joe song I won’t be listening to, Cannon responded with his own diss track titled “The Invitation.” Dude fight!
In the track’s opening moments, Cannon raps: “The white boy he fuck with crack / Pills and smack, shit, and he ’bout to relapse.” He also claims that Eminem is “pulling a Drake” by raising someone else’s kid while he has one of his own, and then raps: “My baby mama killed you off a decade ago / You’re still cryin’ about it, now who really the hoe?” He also claims that Eminem’s “chauffeur” has video of the rapper sucking dick somewhere. (Why anyone is still acting like sucking dick is something to be ashamed of, in 2019, mystifies me.)
Obviously, Eminem and his tiny, fragile ego wouldn’t let the track just exist. Shortly after it’s release, Eminem responded on Twitter: “U mad bro? Stop lying on my dick. I never even had a chauffeur, you bougie f*ck. 🤡” In a followup, he made it worse: “I demand an apology Nicholas, you’ve made my gardener so jealous!”
Anyway, there are other layers to this feud, but dude fights are so boring. Why can’t they learn by example from Mariah Carey, who they both still desperately cling to for relevancy? While the many weirdos in orbit around Carey write diss tracks and name drop each other, she’s busy literally murdering Santa Claus and assuming her place as the patron deity of Christmas. Lead by example, Mimi! [People]
NeNe Leakes and Andy Cohen are feuding now, apparently.
- Justin Hartley really doesn’t want his wife to have any money. [TMZ]
- Britney Spears will be “fighting for her kids” in the new year, sources report. [Us Weekly]
- Kim K is suing a doctor and his “vampire facial” for using her face to shill it on Instagram. [The Blast]
- Did Anne Hathaway give birth in secret? [Hollywood Life]
- Cameron Diaz went grocery shopping. [Just Jared]