But What Will Become of Her Majesty’s Royal Corgis?

Buckingham Palace announced that Queen Elizabeth II has died at age 96. And now I am deeply concerned about the fate of two other well-endowed individuals, whose livelihoods hang in the balance of the queen’s demise: Her Majesty’s Royal Corgis.

The queen received her first corgi, a dog she lovingly named Susan (???), on her 18th birthday in 1944. In her lifetime, she owned more than 30 corgis. Surely, many of these loaf-like creatures could’ve been crowned Royal Doggies of Danbury, considering the queen seemed to love her canines more than her own children. Her dogs could do no wrong! Or, at least, they certainly weren’t banished for bringing a biracial woman into the family’s snow white dynasty, or for falling in love with an ungrateful Hollywood hoe (their perception, not my own).

But my fear, dear reader, isn’t that the queen’s corgis weren’t sufficiently loved. Quite the contrary: These pets were flourishing inside Buckingham Palace, where they resided in their own palace room known as the Corgi Room, slept in elevated wicker baskets with turndown service, and had their selection of a daily menu featuring such delicacies as fresh rabbit and gourmet beef. Nay, the problem is that our dear Colonizer Queenie did not want any of her pups to survive her in the event of her death.

In 2015, it was reported that the queen “didn’t want to leave any young dog behind.” And in 2018, Whisper, the last of the queen’s bred corgis, died, marking the assumed end of Pooches in Palace. But in 2021, while husband Prince Philip was hospitalized, the queen was gifted two corgi puppies to mend her heart, which she named Fergus and Muick (Fergus has since passed, but Muick still lives among us). She also owned a dorgi named Candy, a whoopsie crossover after one of the queen’s corgis mated with Princess Margaret’s dachshund.

The queen passed into purgatory today—or, by chance, was reincarnated and passed through Trisha Paytas’ yoni instead—so what will become of the corgis if they shan’t survive her? Will they be burned at the stake as an offering to the gods? Will they be gifted to the people of Anguilla as an apology for all that colonizing? Maybe they’ll be buried alive in one of the queen’s rose gardens so they can rest with their brood! After all, she did say that only “around her dogs she can be completely herself.” Assuming she also wants to be herself in the underworld, my bets are on the corgis and dorgi being hammered into the coffin with her.

But alas, part of me can’t see Queen Liz ordering “off with the dogs’ heads.” In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the queen announced on her deathbed that she named Corgi Muick her heir. Fuck Charles! No one was more loyal to the queen than her canines. Long live Corgi Muick, his big booty, and his right to the crown.