The Whitest Family on Earth Assures Everyone That They Are Definitely Not Racist

The Royal Family has recovered from the aftershock of The Interview and has emerged ready to apply a heavily charged defibrillator to their reputation, although are they even aware of what their reputation has been for the last hundred years, give or take? Thursday morning, while visiting a school, Prince William responded to a swarm of paparazzi asking if he was racist by saying, “We are very much not a racist family.” Short, sweet, and to the point.

But let’s just go over a few small things shall we? Prince Philip’s sister was literally married to a Nazi. Queen Elizabeth’s disgraced uncle and his wife were Nazi sympathizers. The purity of the lily-white family bloodline was so important that Elizabeth and Philip are literal cousins who can both trace their lineage back to Queen Victoria—you know, the one who oversaw the British Empire at the height of the East India Trading Company which went from trading spices to colonizing parts of India to facilitating the exchange of enslaved people.

This isn’t just idle gossip that coming from a disgruntled former royal, this is recorded history and the family is acting as if there aren’t 700 shows and 9,000 documentaries focused solely on the Nazi-loving, land-colonizing, human-life-trading truth of it all. Why lie at this point? Why not counter with an even bigger interview admitting all this and pretending to have learned something and marking a new era for the British monarchy? I’m not expecting real change from anyone but at the very least the public is owed better-crafted lies and stronger obfuscation tactics; this is the big leagues, for fuck’s sake. [TMZ]

Stacey Dash has had a full break from reality and is attempting some sort of comeback for reasons yet unknown.

Sharon Osbourne has emerged from the family crypt to defend Piers Morgan on her talk show, The Talk. [Vulture]
Queen Elizabeth has two fresh new corgis to follow her everywhere which are absolutely not a distraction from—omg look at their little corgi butts! [Washington Post]
Is Grey’s Anatomy finally over? [Vulture]
Chloe x Halle, with their perfect skin and voices, will be the new spokespeople for Neutrogena. [Refinery29]
Welcome to Daveed Diggs’s crib. [People]
Tom Girardi, husband of Beverly Hills Housewife Erica Girardi, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. [People]
Kermit the Frog got voted off The Masked Singer, a show that has completely lost the plot. [People]
One guess on who is considering a run for Texas governor. Hint: he drives a Lincoln. [ABC]