The Republican National Convention is over, leaving many of us all existential dreaded up with no one to yell at. Without our TV screens broadcasting almost certainly fabricated tales of Donald Trump’s uncharacteristically empathetic responses to human beings in distress, easily identifying a definitive source for our frothy wellspring of churning terror becomes markedly more difficult. If you miss having a live broadcast of nonstop fascist propaganda to account for all your anxieties, might I suggest using this handy mad lib template for a build-your-own RNC speech in order to keep your fears firmly grounded in government-sponsored lies all election season long!
Hi, I’m _______ (romance novel first name coupled with Scotch-Irish or German last name, preferably female), and you may know me as a _______, ________, and ________ (noun establishing heterosexuality, noun providing proof of procreation, noun conferring loyalty to dictator), but I’m here to talk to you tonight as a ________ (noun establishing even more vehement loyalty to dictator). When I was ________ (age in the not-too-distant past) years old, I was ________ ed (verb indicating discovery of a problem) with ________ (noun indicating serious, but relatable and sympathetic affliction that isn’t too much of a downer). It was the ________ est (adjective indicating a negative emotional response to previous noun but also suggesting positivity rooted in evangelical Christianity) time of my life. But with the support of my _______ (noun further indicating heteronormative familial structure) and _______ (noun strongly indicating evangelical religious affiliation), I knew that I could ______ (verb indicating a positive shift in narrative). While I was _______ (verb indicating vulnerability), President Trump _______ed (verb indicating a human capacity for compassion) me, which proved that he is the kind of person who genuinely _______ s (verb indicating a typical human response to another human’s anguish) about ________ (noun indicating a human in similar distress to speaker). And while his administration never proposed, passed, or even considered any policy that would _______ (verb indicating action taken to assist suffering humans) the millions of Americans devastated by _______ (noun naming any of the countless ways in which the majority of Americans are currently suffering), the president obviously ________s (verb indicating existence of basic human empathy) about _______ (noun suggesting any carbon-based life form that is not Donald Trump) because of this completely unembellished and factual account of my own personal ________ (noun indicating relatable hardship).