Britney Spears Didn't Really Beat Usain Bolt's World Record

By Justice Namaste  |  March 26, 2020 | 11:41pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag
Britney Spears Didn't Really Beat Usain Bolt's World Record
Photo:VALERIE MACON/AFP

In a now-deleted Instagram post from Thursday, pop princess and fitness icon Britney Spears posted a screenshot of a stopwatch app along with a caption that appeared to claim that she had run 100 meters in 5.97 seconds. For those of us who do not stay up to date on the latest track & field records, the current world record for the 100-meter dash is held by Usain Bolt, who set the record back in 2009, when he ran it in 9.58 seconds. So, 5.97 seconds would be… much faster.

The caption on Britney’s original Instagram post read:

“Ran my first 5 !!!! Getting over your fear of pushing it in the beginning is key…. Once I did that I hit 5 !!!!! Usually I run 6 or 7 …. my first try was 9 …. and now I did it whoop !!!!! 100 meter dash.”

The best part of this caption is that Britney is saying not only that she broke the world record for the 100-meter dash during this particular workout, but that she is actually regularly breaking this same world record by two or three whole seconds. Truly iconic.

Now, it’s common knowledge that Britney is seriously dedicated to her exercise, evidenced by the photos and videos of her doing yoga, swimming laps, and dancing on her Instagram feed (occasionally with her 26-year-old boyfriend who is also a personal trainer). Who could forget that time she posted a video of her doing a dance routine during which she BROKE HER FOOT. But beating a world record by 4 whole seconds? Even if she really did get over her fear of pushing it in the beginning, Britney isn’t quite that powerful. (Yet.)

At the end of an unrelated Instagram post she shared this evening, Britney clarified:

“PS …. obviously I was joking about running the 100 meter dash in 5.97 seconds …. the world record is held by Usain Bolt which is 9.58 seconds …. but you better believe I’m coming for the world record !!!! #joking #workbitch”

Do I believe that Britney really believed she ran 100 meters in 5 seconds? Honestly, yes. Do I believe she thought it was a world record? Probably not. There is probably a reasonable explanation for this mix-up, but I have no interest in discovering it. [Us]

So many people are shaving their heads. In the past week, two of my friends have taken clippers to their own heads, and just yesterday my roommate had to talk her sister out of doing the same. It’s not shocking—everyone’s cooped up inside with way too much time on their hands, who wouldn’t start to wonder if they could pull off the bald look? And hey, better bald than bangs.

But Blake Shelton didn’t get the bald memo (a fact that I’m okay with) and instead has decided, with the support of girlfriend Gwen Stefani, that it’s time to bring back his mullet.

Were people asking for this?? I feel like….. no?? Especially since Shelton waited to grow out his mullet until he didn’t have to make any public performances or appearances for an extended period of time. But at least he knows well enough to deliberately have his mid-life crisis while in isolation, which is better than can be said for most celebrities. In the tweet from last week where Shelton announced this clearly monumental decision, he wrote:

“I am growing my mullet back as a symbol of hope or some shit like that.. Anyway it’s coming back!”

Are mullets truly a source of hope? Can they help guide us through this period of confusion and fear? The answer is no. Put that shit away. (Remember how Blake Shelton was named People Magazine’s sexiest man alive in 2017, just a mere three years ago? Now THAT was a dark time.) [People]

I think I hate this photo, not in the least because of Gwen Stefani’s choice to combine a Marina Del Rey graphic tee with camo crocs, but here it is.