Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Britney Night on Dancing With the Stars Was As Good As You Thought It Would Be

Our "Cody Watch" continues, no matter where it takes us

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Melanie C aka Sporty Spice
Screenshot: ABC

Cody Watch rides once again, and this time, there’s actually something to watch, despite Cody and his partner Cheryl Burke still being banned from the ballroom after they both tested positive for covid. Also missing from Monday night’s episode was judge Derek Hough, who was exposed to covid and took the night off—but don’t worry, he’s tested negative. He’ll be back with his hot takes next week. Most likely.

As usual, the DWTS C-listers delivered on the glitz, the glam, and the personal stories that loosely related to the life and times of Britney Spears. While the dances and the outpouring of love for Britney were endearing, the whole love fest is muted by the fact that Disney not only ruined Britney’s childhood but continues to profit off of her work with this show in particular and the recent documentary about her streaming on Hulu (yet another thing owned by Disney).

Am I Morphing Into a Jojo Siwa Stan?

I will contain my true feelings, because Jojo Siwa is a child and I respect her hustle, but hot damn I think I would watch this kid watch paint dry. She is so entertaining, so over the top in her expression, and that kind of unbridled positivity that usually annoys me actually works well on her. This performance was iconic from the plaid oxfords all the way up to the heavily gelled up-dos. Once again this is her competition to lose. 11/10

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Mel C’s Tango Routine Might Cure Your Fear of Flying.

No one is flying this plane and it really doesn’t matter. I absolutely love what Melanie C is doing and I love the hard work that her pony is putting in but when it’s all put together she’s getting in her own way. Legs for days, wonderful articulation in the hands, but the effort is written all over her face detracting from the performance. What I really really want is for Melanie C to look like she isn’t trying as hard as she is. 8/10

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I’d Probably Leave Him for Machine Gun Kelly Too.

Sharna is giving sexy vampire and unfortunately, Brian Austin Green is just giving me failed audition tape for What We Do In the Shadows. How and why is this man still here? 3/10

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Give Baby G a Solo!

Christine Chiu from Bling Empire isn’t just an absurdly rich woman; she’s also apparently a skilled dancer. So I took it as a personal front when Christine was eliminated at the end of the evening. This wasn’t the best paso doble I’ve ever seen in my life, but Chiu’s commitment to character and her facial expression made up for so much. Also, you know her costumes were probably all made exclusively for her by some high-end designer who’s sewed Swarovski crystals into her hair extensions.7/10

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Cody Rigsby Doesn’t Even Need a Partner!

When Cody and Cheryl said they would be dancing separately from their respective homes, I was anticipating a hot ass mess that would make for some great memes and jokes, all created by Cody himself. But their performance was actually really good, and Cody was shooting that Britney Bitch energy right out of his eyeballs. They also deserve some extra points for setting up their own cameras and dance sets because if someone asked me to do that, I would just quit the show. 8/10