Black Friday Burrows Deeper Into Thanksgiving With 6 PM Macy's Open

If you want to score some sick Black Friday deals, plan to push yourself back from the table, wipe the cranberry sauce from your chin and fight off your carb-induced lethargy before you even get a slice of pie, because retailers will be starting the commercial orgy earlier than ever.

Yes, that’s right, we’ve broken the midnight barrier and Black Friday now officially begins on Thursday evening—i.e., the tail end of Thanksgiving itself. Macy’s announced today they’ll be opening at 6 pm on Thanksgiving Day, reports CNBC. That’s two hours earlier than last year. Gotta get those deals on small kitchen electronics, y’all:

Macy’s spokeswoman Holly Thomas said that last year, its flagship Herald Square store broke its record for a Thanksgiving weekend opening, with 15,000 people waiting at the doors. It was the first time the department store opened on Thanksgiving Day; in 2012, it opened at midnight on Black Friday.

It is not hyperbole when I say that I would rather spend Thanksgiving literally in Hell, being spittle-yelled at by Satan himself, than waiting outside the Herald Square Macy’s. That place is a pit of despair on a GOOD day. But supposedly employees are volunteering, because at least it means no Black Friday:

She said the company received feedback last year that many of its employees “appreciated the opportunity to work on Thanksgiving so they could have time off on Black Friday,” as well as the additional pay they receive for working a holiday. For any shift that begins on Thursday, employees will be paid time-and-a-half.

And this is just the first volley in the war for Christmas dollars. Last year several additional stores opened on Thursday evening; presumably they’ll follow Macy’s lead this year. Which means restaurants will likely open as well. By 2020 Americans will be eating Thanksgiving brunch and dashing out to grab sweaters at 5 for $50.

Why anybody still sees fit to fight the crowds at the mall when online deals are just sitting there on the Internet, ripe for the taking, only psychologists can explain.