Be Horny in the Streets, Not in the Tweets

The great horny reckoning promised by advertisers and the great advances in the medical community has finally arrived. Americans are getting vaxxed, Papa Fauci says we don’t have to wear our masks outside if we don’t want to, and the sweet feeling of raw-dogging fresh air on the face is so intoxicating that I believe everyone is actually, truly horny for something, whether it be human connection, a Snicker’s ice cream bar, or just a few minutes alone. Regardless of what you are indeed horny for, there is a good place to broadcast that horniness, if you must, and it’s not Twitter.

Of the 340 million people who are on Twitter, only 42 percent of those people use it daily. If you sort through the shit-posters, the QAnon freaks, the dregs of 2016’s Resistance pals, the memelords, and whomever else is there, what’s left is a small section of people who I’d describe politely as “too online.” Members of the media fall into this category, and my PSA is directed at us but also at everybody. Twitter is good for work and dumb jokes, but it is NOT good for horny time.

Sex workers who are on Twitter are exempt from this rule, because sex work is work. But for the rest of us out here trying to just navigate the churn, Twitter is the least effective social media platform for thirst. Perhaps for some, there is an appeal to the chaos of scrolling through the app’s endless drivel and having said drivel interrupted by, I don’t know, a tweet about how someone you vaguely know would love to get railed by a startup CEO on a bench in a park. Perhaps that tweet, which is fictional, is accompanied by a photo of the startup CEO-seeker, because it has been a long year. I will not begrudge anyone who wants to do this, because it’s not my life. But what I am saying is that there are better mediums for thirst trapping out there. Twitter ain’t it! But Instagram is.

Obviously, Instagram is a visual medium primarily, and so that lends itself much better to horniness. Instagram Stories disappear after 24 hours, and sometimes, famous people “forget how they work” and broadcast themselves live from a strip club or with an errant nipple showing. That’s fun. If you’re interested in being extra horny, Instagram’s Close Friends option is a nice thing to have. How erotic and also fun to select the target of your affection by putting them on your close friends list and then unleashing one to three moody photos of your upper half, or even your lower, knowing that the person you want to see it will. This is not embarrassing, it’s hot. A horny tweet, on the other hand, is mortifying, especially if it goes viral.

The Beto O’Rourke horny tweet of 2018 is the tweet that inspires me every day to not broadcast any true desire on Twitter. That information is not for anyone else but its intended audience, and I’m assuming the woman who wrote the tweet about Beto O’Rourke wanted him to see it, but I’m also wondering if she felt deep shame after that thing took off like wildfire. For those who might not remember this, the tweet has since been deleted, but the meat of it is this:

“Ojeda and Avenatti as candidates are like the guy who thinks good sex is pumping away while you’re making a grocery list in your head wondering when he’ll be done. O’Rourke is like the guy who is all sweet and nerdy but holds you down and makes you cum until your calves cramp.”

I need a shower! Another horny tweet that makes me want to curl up and die references the former President Obama, a podium, and the suggestion of a blow job. This is not news that everybody needs to see; it is news for the group chat or a vision board, or, if you are feeling so spicy that it must be shared with the general public, a semi-private Instagram story directed at Obama himself. Be horny in the streets, which are calling to many, the sheets if you are inclined, but please, I beg: Twitter is not the medium. It is not the time or the place.