The year is 2023. About 1% of people own most of the world’s wealth. And nearly 250 years after the French Revolution, instead of the working class maiming and violently threatening the bourgeoisie, the bourgeoisie are violently threatening to maim each other.
Within days of Tesla CEO and 51-year-old serial divorcé Elon Musk proclaiming that he’s “up for a cage match” against Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg, Zuckerberg responded in kind, posting a screenshot on Wednesday of Musk’s tweet with the caption “send me location.” Those are fighting words from a man who, last we heard from him, allegedly fell asleep during a jiu-jitsu match.
Haha, I thought, upon reading about this back-and-forth between the two billionaires, very funny. Except, by Wednesday evening, The Verge reported that Zuckerberg is dead serious, and it’s increasingly looking like it’s too late for either of these clowns to back down now that a third toxic man has entered the chat: Early Thursday morning, Andrew Tate, who faces rape and human trafficking charges and is under house arrest in Romania, offered to personally train Musk for his Las Vegas Octagon fight with the Facebook guy.
“Meta banned me everywhere for telling the truth about vaccines. But now we can restore honour with a strike at the enemy clans leader,” Tate, a former competitive kickboxer, tweeted in the early morning hours. “I will train you @elonmusk. You will not lose.”
Mind you, Meta—and pretty much every mainstream social media platform—banned Tate for many reasons, which certainly include hate speech, as his content routinely dehumanized or even incited violence against women. Twitter is naturally Tate’s last remaining safe space, because Musk, who owns the website, would never act against the white nationalists with 12 followers whose approval he needs more desperately than relationships with his 10 children.
Musk has yet to respond to Tate’s offer, although engaging with it absolutely sounds like something he would do (he and Tate have a few things in common.) But the Tesla CEO has given little indication of how serious he is—if at all—beyond jokes about sitting on Zuckerberg and laughing emojis at Twitter Blue users’ tweets. But Zuckerberg, an aspiring MMA fighter who apparently whooped an Uber engineer’s ass in the jiu-jitsu ring earlier this year, seems determined to make this happen.
Zuckerberg certainly has the training, but Musk has the size advantage. Still, while Musk has boasted about being in “real hard-core street fights” whilst growing up in South Africa (where his family part-owned an emerald mine), other stories offer a, err, conflicting account of his fighting prowess in his youth.
I am rooting for neither of these known wealth hoarders, who could be doing literally anything else with their time and money while the world burns—unless, of course, Musk does seek Tate’s coaching. Then I am decidedly on the side that isn’t getting help from an alleged rapist.
But really, there can be no “winners” here. The three men involved in this kerfuffle are the dweeb who killed newspapers, a transphobe conspiracy theorist whose own daughter doesn’t want to be related to him, and a misogynist influencer accused of sex trafficking. We can only hope that whoever is declared victorious in this little scrape receives a one-way, complimentary trip to Tesla’s space colony on Mars. The loser should receive the same.