Image: Getty/Instagram

Earlier this week I awoke, suddenly, from an undisturbed slumber, mainlined some iced coffee and discovered upon a brief perusal of many, many gossip sites that up-and-coming pop singer/Miley Cyrus’s little sister, Noah Cyrus, 18, had begun dating up-and-coming Xanax-referencing rapper Lil Xan, 21. I processed the information, moved along with my day and paid it no mind until, well, right now, when it occurred to me that this might very well be the next great publicist-induced coupling.

Think about it: Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik. Harry Styles and Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. Taylor Swift and anyone, really. Young stars on the cusp of real-ass fame are often partnered up to elevate one another’s platform. Considering the sad girl/sad boy branding of both Noah and Xan (real name Diego Leanos) it’s a match made in 2018-heaven, where transparency and sensitivity around emotional health reigns supreme. (As an aside, I grew up during the golden age of emo, and this shit is emo as hell.) Let’s dive in.

The Players

Noah Cyrus

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Noah, in addition to being an ultra hip teenager with an eye for trends, is also a singer à la Lana del Rey and Miley Cyrus (there’s a certain brass to her voice, but it’s nowhere near the deep country twang of her older sister.) Most of Noah’s songs bang and certainly celebrate being young and fucked up and whatever, with the exception of a collaboration with the late XXXTentacion, who she has been known to eulogize on Instagram. That part sucks.

Lil Xan

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Lil Xan is a young rapper from California, part of a musical moment best described by the following words: Soundcloud, apathy, face tattoos, Xanax. Xan was addicted to the prescription drug (hence the name) but has since gotten clean, announcing he would begin recording under his birth name, Diego, at some point in the future. He hasn’t done that yet. He’s also caused controversy for saying some not-so-nice things about Tupac, calling his music “boring.”

The Relationship

According to the deep dive I conducted this morning, Noah and Diego have been dating for five days. FIVE DAYS. Here’s an in-depth look into the relationship, which could honestly only exist on Instagram.

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July 29, 2018

Our story begins on July 29, when Xan posted the above pic with the self-deprecating caption, “We ugly as fuck I know”—a very relatable thing for two hot young adults to say about themselves. The use of the broken heart emoji here led some dummies online to think they were just friends, but a real stan knows that at the beginning of July, Xan dropped a new EP titled Heartbreak Soldiers, so he owns that shit now.

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July 30, 2018

The next day Xan posted another Instagram, perhaps inspiring Noah to share one as well. It takes two to tango, or touch butts, after all:

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Please pay attention to Noah’s caption here—“we both so sad its so sweet.” This is emblematic of their thematic pairing. They’re both such sensitive softies! Also check out the Xan merch she’s rocking on her head. Love is free publicity, y’all.

July 31, 2018

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Then Xan goes ahead and regrams the picture, cutting out the date in what might be an attempt to make it seem more contemporary? Once again: who among us knows their thought process!!!!

My conspiracy theory is the following: there’s gotta be a reason the shot they both posted doubles as promo for Xan’s new EP. A well-oiled PR machine continues to do its job.

August 1, 2018

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Day four of the relationship and they’re already licking one another on a public social media platform. It’s called romance, ever heard of it?

HOWEVER! This day is huge in the Cyrus-Xan love story because it’s the day that E! News confirmed their dating status. “They are definitely seeing each other a lot,” a sneaky spy told the publication, “I am not sure what you call that these days, but it’s open to interpretation.” Heh.

August 2, 2018

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Both Noah and Diego posted pics Thursday, and they’re different pics! That’s gotta mean something. Perhaps it has something to do with the alleged exclusive from Hollywoodlife.com, wherein “a source close to Miley Cyrus” told the gossip rag that haters just don’t understand, okay??

“Miley told Noah to ignore the haters and online trolls who will try to pick apart her relationship,” said the source—a totally real thing a human person actually uttered. “Miley explained how Lil Xan’s fans may hate her, while Noah’s fans may not like her boyfriend, so she encouraged Noah to tune out all the negative energy from fans throwing shade.”

There’s more, from the “insider”:

“Noah totally looks up to Miley for career and relationship advice too so when Miley speaks, Noah listens. Miley also told Noah to listen to her heart and try to be true to herself in her new relationship. Because Noah is so young, Miley just fears for her safety. She cautioned Noah not to do anything she is not comfortable doing and not to feel pressured by anyone. She let her know not to do anything she’s uncomfortable with...Finally, Miley warned Noah to be careful not to fall in love too quickly. While loving someone can be the best thing in the world, breakups suck and having a broken heart can be the worst.”

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Okay. I mean, yeah.

And, uh, that’s it? They’ve literally only been together for five days. There’s also no way to prove—or disprove—that all of these shots weren’t taken on the same occasion? Godspeed, babies.