America Is Officially Done With Rick Santorum

By Mark Shrayber  |  August 11, 2015 | 2:15pm
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Former Senator (and namesake of that frothy mixture of lube and feces that occurs during anal sex) Rick Santorum, who came in second during the 2012 GOP Presidential primary, is currently polling at 0 percent. How things change.

Boing Boing reports that NBC took a poll of Republican (and “Republican-leaning”) voters who watched or read about last week’s GOP debate and found that the true winner of the debate was Carly Fiorina (best performance) who won the hearts and minds of Republican voters, pushing her support ratings up 6 points (from 2 percent to 8 percent). Santorum, who already had only one percent of the voters’ support fell a point after the debates, bringing him to zero percent. That’s right, friends: Donald Trump is more heavily favored by the American public than a man who actually once held political office.

While this is bad news for Santorum, who I imagine would have made gay marriage completely illegal and demanded that all women who had ever had an abortion be immediately impregnated to make up for it were he elected President, it’s excellent news for anyone worried that far-right conservatives were going to take this election. In addition, it gives all of us a chance to fantasize about how sad Santorum is right now.

Personally, I like to imagine him in bed, in one of those old-timey pajamas with the hat and his comforter pulled up to his chin, reliving every horrific moment of his showing at the debate over and over as delicious tears spill from his beady little eyes and cascade down his too-tight skin into his Howdy Doody mouth.

But the fight isn’t over yet! None of the GOP candidates should be President, but it’s looking more and more like Donald Trump is being taken seriously as a contender. Imagine if The Donald and his hair system became the leaders of the free world. I’m pretty sure the result would look like a Hunger Games prequel.

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Image via Getty

 
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