All-female reboots are offensive and also not cool. You know what's not offensive and definitely cool? Reboots that only feature babies.

Jezebel is a site with a strong pro-baby stance, in that one of your editors is an actual baby who wears diapers, and of course, everyone on staff shares a deep fondness for Ariana Grande, demon-hunter, tiny chanteuse and known baby. The culture wars grow ever more fraught in the age of social media; it's hard to say something that will please your audience in this time of identity politics and tone-correction. But we're going to go out on a limb here, cut through the bullshit and say what everyone's thinking: this movie would be better if it starred a baby.

We put forth for your consideration a list of all-baby reboots we'd like to see.


Baby Psycho

The Godbaby

Lord of the Babies: The Return of the Baby

One Baby Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

All-Baby Koyaanasqatsi

Babies of the Lost Ark

Saving Private Baby

The Baby Centipede

Drive Me Baby

The Thin Red Line, But With Babies

Baby vs. Baby

Dr. Mom, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Baby

All-Baby Rashomon

Million Dollar Baby

Baby Begins

Mr. and Mrs. Baby

Bad Babies II

Monsters vs. Babies

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Baby

Searching for Baby Fischer

Children of Baby

Baby and Clyde

Lee Daniels' The Baby

Mean Babies

Before the Devil Knows You're a Baby

The Baby McGuire Movie

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Babies

Baby Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Zero Dark Baby

Pan's Babyrinth

Jerry Mababy

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter'sā€¦. A Baby

Dallas Babies Club

Bend It Like Baby

8 Mile, But With Babies

Single White Baby

Risky Babies

Dial B For Baby

Hold on a minute. None of these movies will pass the Bechdel test, because all the actors will be babies and can't actually speak. Just kidding, I already hate all these movies as well as all these anti-feminist babies. I'll make an exception only for Ghostbabies, in theaters December 2016.

Advertisement

Illustration by an actual baby