Alright, we need to do a little thought experiment. Imagine you’ve been charged with involuntary manslaughter and you’ve likely been traumatized by the incident that resulted in those charges. But you’re also very famous and rich and have bulldog lawyers who managed to get the charges dropped. What a huge relief. So what do you do upon learning that news? Do you go outside and breathe in the fresh spring air? Do you hug your children in joy? (In this scenario, you have eight of them.) Maybe you crack open a special bottle of wine to celebrate with your lawyer. All of those feel like reasonable, even modest, reactions.
Well, to almost no one’s surprise, Alec Baldwin, who was in that exact situation, did not do those things. Or maybe he did some of them privately, but he did not stop there—because why stop when you’re on a roll?! (The “roll” being having involuntary manslaughter charges dropped.) Not only did he decide to post about his relief on Instagram, his exotic wife from the northeast coastal region of Massachusetts, Hilaria Baldwin, felt the need to post as well. (For those somehow blessedly unaware of Hilaria’s muddled ancestry: She’s crafted an identity that manages to stunningly blur the lines between being someone with no genealogical connection to Spain who grew up in Boston, and someone who identifies Spanish and speaks with a Spanish accent.)
Now, were these posts tasteful, you might wonder? How do you say “no” in Spanish? “No”? No, they were not. Hilaria stood up for her husband throughout this ordeal, at one point begging the paparazzi to leave their family “in peace.” It was an understandable request during what I’m sure was a very stressful time. But now that the charges have been dropped and they have chosen to reenter the public sphere with these inane photos, I’m afraid I must clown them.
We can begin with Alec’s photo that looks like it was rescued from a hard drive found in the wreckage of the Titanic. “I owe everything I have to this woman,” the caption reads as he, eyes closed, lays his head on Hilaria’s shoulder. This is the sort of thing you’d maybe post if you’ve had a hard few months at work because of a tough boss or looming project proposal that was stressing you out. I’m not sure that being inadvertently responsible for the death of a coworker is the occasion to post a blurry snapshot of you and your wife at what looks like a semi-upscale (three dollar signs at most) restaurant.
Also: Did he try to download this photo from the cloud while he was driving through the Holland Tunnel? Why is it so pixelated? I suppose it’s nice he also shouted out his lawyer Luke Nikas—maybe he was the one to take the photo? Third-wheeling this couple seems unbearable. True kudos to Luke.
Next up, we have to dissect Hilaria’s choices with her photo. The decision to post it at all? Insane. The pose? Criminal. The lack of shoes? Wikifeet is being updated as I type. Who took this photo? Also Luke? One of their seven children? A nanny? Maybe it was via self timer and after setting it, Hilaria leapt into Alec’s lap. Thank goodness her gigantic ring dangling off of her finger didn’t fly off in that endeavor.
The curled up pose begs to suggest that she is “baby” despite Alec being the one who was facing charges—and their babies being the actual babies. (Personally, this is not a pose I would choose if my husband was almost twice my age.) Was this situation harder for Hilaria than any other single person? One might think that from this picture! It’s like I’m looking at a Mannerist portrait of two lovers, kept apart by a cruel social order.
Look, it truly must be a huge relief to have these charges dropped. But a woman still died as the result of Alec’s actions, however accidental they were. Spare us all the grief virtue signaling. Go hide out and recuperate on a private island like a normal out of touch celebrity!