Adult men shouldn’t skateboard. Let’s try that again with a caveat: adult men who are amateurs shouldn’t skateboard. It is an extreme sporting activity that should reserved for teenage stoners, Tony Hawk, women and girls who could easily kick my ass and appear regularly in coffee table photography books about major American cities, members of Blink-182, and Meat Cat (the fictional cartoon mascot for “cheesy blasters” from 30 Rock). No one else should skateboard. Those who do are likely adult man amateurs, who are also big dumb babies. Who wants to be a big dumb baby?
I’ve maintained this perfect opinion for years now, and I’d like to help the rest of the world see the light... especially for those who’ve fallen victim to a recent photo of scumbro Adam Brody rolling all over Los Angeles like the rest of the Jezebel staff did earlier this week. (Don’t worry, I’ve already called all of their mothers to complain.) In no particular order, here are a few reasons adult men should not skateboard:
1.) There is no greater injustice than being side-swiped by a skateboarder.
When a child does it, they may be forgiven for not knowing their own power. But an adult dude? I don’t need to be threatened by unwanted contact more so than I already am, and at a higher velocity—that shit is frightening. Plus, hitting someone while skating around makes you appear like a bully in an ‘80s teen dramedy and no one even remembers those guys. They’re one-hit wonders. Much like an amateur adult skateboarder will be, once they strike an unsuspecting pedestrian.
2.) Much like the first point, adult man skateboarders take up too much space.
Imagine manspreading, but tripled when arms are extended for balance. That’s just unnecessary.
3.) It’s unnatural.
Humans weren’t born with wheels for feet for a reason.
4.) Adult men skateboarders are often childish.
This is a game for children. Do you know the origins of skateboarding? It was invented in the late 1940s/early 1950s for kids to have shit to do post-World War II. They would stand on boxes with some wheels and roll around. It’s 2020. We have better games and endless war now.
5.) It is a sport, which negates any “bad boy edge” skateboarding supposedly gives off.
Edgy, sunny Southern California branding has fooled everyone for generations. I also blame Sublime records, which is funny, because they are also from Southern California. For whatever reason, skateboarding has been treated like a cool, counter-cultural exercise when it is really just sports. Jock nonsense. You’ve been tricked.
6.) Skateboarding is not sexy.
You knew this one was coming. The internet dubbed Adam Brody a “scumbro” in the aforementioned pic for a reason. Television and the Tony Hark Pro Skater soundtrack has led the public to believe that skateboarding is sexy. Are you a mindless corporate drone? Do you enjoy getting spoon-fed your mundane opinions? Skateboarding is only hot if you’re into fucking men who haven’t matured past adolescence.
7.) It’s dangerous?
It’s dangerous. Peril lurks around every corner already, why amp up the possibility of breaking a bone? Plus, there are much cooler ways to injure yourself. For example: obtain a burn from a motorcycle after accidentally touching the exhaust pipe. That’s objectively interesting, and it would probably leave a sexy scar.
8.) Skateboarding is actively embarrassing.
I’m not proud of the number of people I know who’ve partnered with skaters, and many of them have hidden their loved one’s favorite past time from me because it’s just... not cool? Perhaps in a bygone era skateboarding was once the bee’s knees, but so was playing guitar, you know? Rock is dead, let the board lie with it.
9.) Adult men skateboarders are the true enemy in “SK8R BOI.”
A superficial listener may read Avril Lavigne’s opus to be the product of a woman who has internalized misogynistic culture, and they’d be right. But the real enemy of women is the “SK8R BOI” for whom the song is titled. What do we know about him? He’s a.) some man b.) a skateboarder c.) bad. Next!
10.) It’s kind of mid-life crisis-y.
Professionals are the exception, sure, but why hold on to skateboarding simply because you loved doing it as a clove-smoking class-cutter? Being an adult is dope. Get into adult stuff. (And I do not mean scourge of the skating world, the LONGBOARD, which is the chosen vehicle for, like, surfer-y skaters. That is the worst.) Like, have you ever hiked? Go for a damn hike. Learn to cook. I’ve heard good things about Alison Roman.
Need I go on? I’ll answer that one—no. Adult men shouldn’t skateboard. Leave it to the ladies and children. Disagree if you must, but just know that you are wrong.