Please Save the Midlife Crisis Skateboarders of Manhattan

We come to you, readers, with a very serious topic of discussion. It has come to our attention that there is a current trend of midlife crisis-addled men seeking to regain some semblance of their youth by riding around Manhattan on skateboards while wearing business suits. This is real, and it is impossible not to feel disempowered in this grave situation. What to say? What to do?

In an investigation titled “Skateboards are the new combover for men chasing their youth,” the New York Post reports that a subset of aging men in New York City believes that purchasing and utilizing skateboards will not only make them look cool, but also that it will get them pussy. One man, Cyril Therien, literally says, “This thing is a chick magnet,” a pull quote that is also used as a caption beneath a photograph of Therien riding a skateboard in traffic while wearing a “bespoke Italian dress suit” and “designer leather shoes” and looking quite the opposite of chick-magnety, although I must admit I am predisposed to reject any human who would seriously deploy the term “chick magnet,” especially to a reporter, for a piece that was scheduled to accompany a photograph of his face.

Obviously, this man is starting a blog.

Obviously, this man’s blog will be called “Dapper Deck,” and will be more about posturing (poseuring?) and looking “young” and “rich” than, say, riding the skateboard like a normal person. Says the New York Post, about this man, “He estimates he chats up two to three ladies a day thanks to his ride, and he even plans to launch a blog, ‘Dapper Deck,’ that chronicles both his sartorial and sporty aspirations.”


Those shoes have no grip.

So what, good people of New York, and presumably other cities where this affliction will no doubt begin to spread, shall we do about the Midlife Crisis Skaters of Manhattan? How do we break it to them gently? What can be done to combat this widening epidemic, which threatens the livelihood of middle-aged skaters who are simply skating because they love to skate, as opposed to skating because they are afraid of losing their fleeting youth, thinning hair, and waning ability to attract sexual partners?

Perhaps the New York Post has already found the solution. That solution is: due diligence. That solution is: interviewing some younger skateboarders, for a counterpoint:

“You can always tell who’s in a midlife crisis,” says Jeremy Hill, 24, a lifelong boarder from Bed-Stuy. “They’re the guys who just have money to burn, who just buy the really expensive longboard, and try to show off, ‘I’m cool, just like you.’ ”


Nothing says I’m cool, just like you, like trying really hard to be cool, just like other people, and then poking around to make sure they notice, and then starting a blog about how cool you are, with your clothes, and your board, and your chicks. Please, America, pitch in and give these men a hand. Think of it as your civic duty to help the Midlife Crisis Skateboarders of Manhattan.

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Emma Golddigger

Is there a vaccine for this shit?