A Simple Guide to Living Forever

It seems that every day we have to pay attention to some old person who thinks they are special just because they’ve been alive for a super fucking long time. How hard is it not to die?

Just kidding! I am very afraid of death and if I have any say in the matter, I will never die and neither will my friends. So, I have a folder on my desktop where I save articles about people who are old. I model my life after these time conquerors and I recommend you do the same.

Bacon: The oldest woman in the world, 116-year-old Susannah Mushatt Jones, eats bacon, eggs, and grits for breakfast every morning. She has a sign in her kitchen that reads: “Bacon makes everything better.”

Dr. Pepper: Elizabeth Sullivan, a Texan who turned 104 earlier this year, says she has drunk the 23-flavored professional soda three times a day for 40 years. Some doctors have advised her to stop, to which she said, “They die and I don’t, so there must be a mistake somewhere.”

Johnnie Walker: (See Miller High Life)

Junk Food: Canadian Margaret Ellen Moores died in April of 2014 at the age of 108, and she got there by eating garbage. “She loves her sweets,” her daughter said at her 106th birthday party. “She never drank water in her life… [She loves] her salt beef… She loves her pizza and french fries now.” Moores attributed her own longevity to “good times.”

Late Pregnancy: A relatively small study published in the journal Menopause found that women who gave birth to their last child after the age of 33 were twice as likely to live to 95 as those who had their last child by 29.

Miller High Life: This August, Agnes Fenton turned 110. How is that even possible? After finding a benign tumor, a doctor once advised her to drink three Miller High Life beers every day—since then, she has, plus a shot of Johnnie Walker Blue Label.

No Men: Emma Morano, an Italian woman notable for being the oldest person in Europe, hasn’t been married since 1938. She has been single and lovin’ it basically for 77 years. 109-year-old Jessie Gallan agrees: “[I] made sure that I got plenty of exercise, eat a nice warm bowl of porridge every morning, and have never gotten married.”

Raw Eggs: Morano has also eaten three raw eggs every day since she was a doctor recommended them to combat anemia. That is over 100,000 eggs in her lifetime.

Red Wine: The world’s oldest twin brothers, 102-year-old Pieter and Paulus Langerock of Belgium, drink one glass of red wine every day. They also advise: “Don’t waste your time fooling around, don’t eat too much, and don’t run after women.”

Religion: Florida resident Mary Givens will celebrate her 100th birthday on November 19, and says she has survived for so long “by leaning on the Lord and trying to do the right thing.” She has also never left Tallahassee, and while she doesn’t credit that specifically, I’m going to keep it in mind as a factor and you should too.

White Castle: Former dietician Madeleine Turpan turned 102 in 2014 (so theoretically she has since turned 103, although I can’t find any other mention of her on the internet), and has been eating at White Castle “at least once a month for more than 80 years.” She had her 102nd birthday at a White Castle, which she called “the best birthday I’ve ever had.”

Today, I am living life with a rigorous devotion to health. Every day, I eat two breakfasts (of porridge and bacon and three raw eggs), drink three Dr. Peppers, three Miller High Lifes, one glass of red wine, one shot of whiskey, work at an all-female website and avoid men, make a trip to White Castle when I can, and plan on having a baby in 10 years—no sooner. I am writing this drunk from under a subway seat. I skip the God stuff though because I don’t have infinity hours in the day! What am I, a superhero?