A Play-by-Play of the Only Thing That Matters in the New Gilmore Girls: Logan Huntzberger

By Kara Brown | November 28, 2016 | 6:30pm

Entertainment

It’s no secret that I’ve been mighty skeptical of the new iteration of Gilmore Girls, mostly due to the terrible trailer and my general dislike of reboots in any form. However, my lack of interest or excitement has rarely stopped me from watching television before so I don’t see why it would now.

We could talk about what remarkably obnoxious and terrible people Rory and Lorelei are, or how that fast talking and incessant pop culture references thing has gotten staler than a donut left on the counter of Luke’s since the series finale. We could also talk about how Lane has a dad. But no, this is a safe space to talk about the only thing in Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life that I truly give a damn about: Logan Huntzberger.

Winter

1:07

It takes over an hour before we get a glimpse at that perfect face—surely a rare collaboration between the gods and the angels—but boy was the wait worth it.

It becomes very clear, as Rory babbles to herself in a well-decorated and expensive-looking apartment, that Logan is the only possible person who could be on the receiving end of her nonsense.

Here we discover that during Rory’s regular jaunts to London (by the way, who was paying for those flights? Naomi? Really?), she crashes and smashes with Logan and he sends cars for her and listens to her and takes her out to dinner and does all sort of other things she doesn’t deserve.

(If you ever see me on the street, please come up and ask me about the utter gall of Rory to have her boxes shipped to that man’s home. I have a lot of opinions on that.)

We learn that Logan and Rory have a “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” situation which will obviously not work out well for Rory if only because she doesn’t seem to understand what an arrangement like that entails. It does not, for example, include asking some dumb question about whether she’s going to find another girl’s stuff in an apartment that does not belong to her.

Logan, forever understanding assures her: I wouldn’t do that. You know, leave things around just for you to…” God, I love him when he’s honest.

Spring

00:11

Thankfully we only have to wait 11 minutes for him to appear. As the birds start chirping again, the temperature climbs and the flowers bloom, we learn that Logan is, in fact, engaged to not-Rory.

Logan is sitting there AGAIN listening to Rory babble about yet another problem she created for herself. By the way, does she ever ask him questions about his life? How his career is going? Clearly not, because Rory learns via Logan’s dad AKA Hollis Doyle AKA Foghorn Leghorn, that Logan has a french fiancée named Odette.

OK. What’s amazing about this moment is how even as we realize Logan is openly cheating on his fiancée, I somehow still find Rory the most unappealing person in the room. And, to be fair, Rory is also cheating on her boyfriend Paul. Still, there’s something about Logan’s general charmed attitude toward life that I deeply resent but am also incredibly attracted to. Matt Czuchry really nailed that whole hot-privileged-white-guy-perfect-life-always-confident-everything’s-going-to-be-fine-because-everything-will-be-fine-for-him kind of thing.

In terms of character realism, I wouldn’t necessarily take Logan for a cheater in 2016. Mostly, I just can’t imagine the pull of Rory Gilmore being so strong that he’d be willing to undo much of the maturity we watched him develop throughout the show.

I know they’re saving material for the next “season,” but I’m seriously going to needs some more intel about this Odette other than that she’s a “French heiress.”

00:23

Oh hello, sleeping Logan. Not much to add here but damn those sheets look comfortable.

00:28

There you are, boo. Oh look, it’s Logan again sitting around and listening to Rory DRONE ON FOREVER ABOUT HER OWN DUMB PROBLEMS.

As a writer, I understand being in a rut and can somewhat sympathize with Rory’s frustrations. But how come no one ever suggests to Rory that the problem with her career may just be that she’s not quite as good as she thinks she is? I mean, The New Yorker is cool and all but they recently hired a woman who I know for a fact to be a blogging baby, so you tell me.

Rory segues talking about herself into talking about herself some more and floats the idea of extending her stay in London. But Logan is all like: “Nah, actually you can’t stay with me. My main girl is coming into town.”

00:58

Speaking of his main girl, there she is, sleeping in sheets that were hopefully changed before her arrival.

Again, they need to flesh out this relationship. Taking late night phone calls from your side chick while your fiancée sleeps in bed seems like a dick move even for Logan. I know in his earlier days Logan was an asshole but they spent all that time on his development into being a good, ridiculously thoughtful boyfriend to Rory only to have him revert back to his old ways at age 32? I’m not saying that’s not realistic, but what’s the point?

Anyway he does Rory her little favor.

Summer

00:06

Rory calls Logan again in the middle of the night to complain about her crappy life.

Listen, cheating is bad. However, it happens. And when it happens, there are generally some rules involved. Rory is what we would call the side chick. Being a side chick comes with certain boundaries that aren’t crossed, which you know because you’re the side chick and you’ve accepted that role. How does Rory not understand the side chick rules? Asking to stay an extra day? Calling in the middle of the night? Trying to come early? Girl what?

Then she has the nerve, when Logan tells her that Odette is in town and no, she can’t come THREE WEEKS ahead of schedule, to ask how long she’ll be there. Girl, goodbye. Ciao. Adios. You trippin. I almost threw my laptop out the window when Rory seriously fixed her mouth to get all indignant about Odette moving into HER fiancé’s apartment.

For someone who has seen a million movies, Rory seems blithely ignorant about a little lesson I learned via When Harry Met Sally: “I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave her.”

To reiterate, cheating is bad, but Rory’s dismay might ring slightly less hollow of she hadn’t given that whole “what happens in Vegas,” spiel.

1:19

We are treating to a few quick flashes of Logan as Rory has a pavlovian response and dials his number as soon as she feels self-pity coming on.

Eventually the two have a quick discussion about their relationship before Rory breaks up with him. Logan puts up no fight whatsoever because he is endless understanding of her feelings and because, you know, HE’S GODDAMN ENGAGED.

Am I the only person who has heard this song before? He’s never going to leave Odette. That’s not necessarily a value judgement on him but my god, get a grip.

Fall

00:18

Logan and his fancy fratboy friends from Yale arrive in Stars Hollow to cheer Rory up because I don’t know why. Everyone is wearing a questionable outfit.

Then there is a musical number which we will never speak about again.

Logan offers Rory the use of a mansion in Maine to write her book. Rory transitions the gift into asking if he’s “really going to marry Odette?”

Logan’s response is basically, yeah girl, I’ve been telling you that all year. Specifically he says: “That’s the dynastic plan.”

OH MY GOD WHAT YEAR IS IT? Is there seriously no other way for these two families to consolidate their wealth than via a marriage between these two specific people? Is Logan’s family secretly hard up for money? I get it, rich people marry other rich people, but I am just not buying the idea of Logan being bound to this woman solely for business purposes.

Just as my blood pressure starts to surge, they give us this gift. Lull me, Logan. Lull me.

That moment is quickly ruined by Rory returning the keys to the Maine mansion, solidifying that she’s going to move on (for now). Logan cries for some reason.

Then this happens.

And that’s the end of Logan Huntzberger and therefore, most of my enjoyment of Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life.

The only final thing I have to say is this: That baby better belong to the random Chewbacca or ewok or whatever it was that Rory banged.

When it comes down to it, I’m fine with the baby belonging to literally anyone other than Logan because what the fuck. Of course, if I was a betting woman, I would definitely put my money on Logan being the father because of course he would be. The only upside to that scenario is triple the Logan Huntzberger presence next time around. The Gilmore Girls giveth and taketh.

This has been your Logan Huntzberger-only Gilmore Girls blog.