Photo: Jezebel Staff
Last week, and largely because controlled low-stakes chaos and petty drama is a soothing balm right now, I embarked upon a quest that could ultimately tear the Jezebel staff apart—I decided to finally, after years of all of us tiptoeing around this verboten third rail, investigate the answer to this very important question: which pet, of all of the Jezebel pets, is the best pet?
The party line these days is that all pets are good, and a source of comfort to their owners. This is true, but some pets are better than others, which is also true of humans, a truth I know deeply as one of five siblings.
I enlisted three Jezebel children—the offspring of some of our siblings—as our panel of (mostly) neutral judges, as children are brutally honest and delight in stirring up unnecessary trouble. The rules were simple. I told these children only that they *had* to rank them (No “Every pet is cute in its own way” please, this is not a game!!!) and that they had to share their thought process.
But before the rankings, first, the competitors.
Emily Alford’s Truvy Bouvier Kennedy-Onassis, a dog
“Despite animal shelter workers saying they found her in a Philadelphia dumpster, Miss Truvy Bouvier Kennedy-Onassis has a discerning, yet cheerful attitude. She enjoys tennis balls, napping, and hiding food she finds on the street in her mouth until she can bury it under piles of clothes in my closet. When I had surgery, she used to stack her toys beside me in bed so I wouldn’t get lonely.” —Emily
Esther Wang’s Frankie, a dog
“Frankie is unfortunately a very bad dog who has Stockholm syndromed me into loving her and providing for her every need. But can you blame me?” —Esther
Clover Hope’s Jewel, a cat
“Jewel is good because she knows how to make space for herself. I’m including the second photo because I think it shows her sense of humor, in that it looks like she’s pinned under the chair but she’s not. So funny.” —Clover
Tracy Clark-Flory’s Hank, a dog
“Hank is four years old and, according to his doggy DNA test, a mix of terrier, chihuahua, and unidentifiable mystical creature. He is the very best because he has this soaring, ear-flapping gallop of joy that makes all humans at the dog park stop in their tracks, clutch their chests and go, ‘WELL LOOK AT YOU’ or ‘SOMEONE’S HAPPY,’ and that gets even the most cantankerous of dogs to run after him. If he were to appear on a reality TV dating show, his job title would be ‘Play Expert.’ That said, he is currently cuddled up in a ball on my lap, eyes closed, with his chin resting on my forearm as I type.” —Tracy
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