9 Practical Marriage Tips For William & Kate

Marriage isn’t like riding a pegasus on a marshmallow rainbow, you know. It’s a lot of work. And a royal marriage? God save the Princess, because things will inevitably get rough.

Fox News brought in a “self-help journalist” to create nine tips to help the royal couple in their marriage in this ultra-pathetic piece that’s actually self-aware of its own sadness, acknowledging that the interest in Wills and Kate is for divorcees and people who have been married for too long “to remember what it once felt like to be in love.” These tips, needless to say, are sort of pointless and forget that the royal couple is completely abnormal and live a completely different life than the rest of us. So we’ve invented our own tips, mostly for Kate, because with one married staff member in our ranks (who’s made it, like, over a year without getting divorced), we’re basically experts.

Fox says:

1. Kate, people are going to tell you that you are beautiful on your wedding day. They will say this because it is true. You are. Make sure to tell William how great those words make you feel. Make sure he knows that you need to hear them, especially during the times when you are not feeling beautiful. Those times will come when you are not wearing a gown that cost thousands of dollars. They will come when you’ve been up all night with a baby or when you’ve got vomit on your shirt. Make sure he knows that those are the times when it’s most important for him to whisper, “You are so beautiful.”

We say:
1. Kate, people are going to tell you that you are beautiful on your wedding day. They will say this because they are not animals. If they were savvy enough to get invited to a royal event then they know how to act. Also, your husband should know how to act and how you should be treated, considering he’s been raised his whole life knowing he’d have to marry a princess. Also, you guys have been dating for like, what, over nine years? If, by this point, he doesn’t know that you like to hear nice things and you decided to marry him anyway, then as Judge Judy would say, “You picked him” and you’re going to have to live with that choice.

Fox says:

2. You are both good looking, rich and famous. As a result, people will continually throw themselves at you and offer their beautiful bodies to you free of charge. It’s important for you to know when you are emotionally vulnerable and to take precautions. Just as a dieter knows not to go into a chocolate shop when she’s hungry, you both ought to make an oath not to go to nightclubs after you’ve been in a fight or when you feel distanced from one another. It’s just safer that way.

We say:
2. If your stuffy in-laws aren’t monitoring your every move—and if for some reason they think they don’t own your uterus for these upcoming important child-bearing years in which you are to produce an heir and a spare—and you make it out of the house and get your ass into a nightclub, and if for some reason some guy at that nightclub has the balls to even approach you let alone hit on you, then blow him. Because it’s probably just as likely that he will cum glitter and cherubs all over your face. Girl, you’re not getting out of that palace for free time in the club ever again.

Fox says:

3. Every marriage goes through a rough patch. When you go through yours, you will be tempted to believe that marrying each other was a mistake. That’s why it’s a good idea to make a list now of all of the reasons you’ve decided to spend the rest of your lives together. Then, when you can’t remember why you ever got married, you can read your lists.

We say:
3. If you get to a point where you can’t remember why you ever married this guy—and I’m betting it will happen when you find the umpteenth hair on the bar of soap in the shower—get Andrew Morton on the horn.

Fox says:

4. There will come a time when the urge to jump each other’s bones ebbs. It might even completely disappear. When this happens, it doesn’t mean you married the wrong person. It just means that it’s time to learn the art of getting one another in the mood.

We say:
4. If your relationship is based on lust and passion then you could knock me over with a prostate tickler. Carrie Bradshaw said something in Sex and the City 2 about “working on the sparkle.” So go ahead and take your cues about sex and marriage from a fictional character who tortured herself for decades until she finally broke down the wealthy guy she loved and got him to marry her only to then complain about said marriage for a couple of hours in front of the backdrop of Dubai. Ooh, you should go to Dubai! Make up some shit about land mines and saving children and then go on vacation with your girlfriends. And you should pay. You’re a princess now, you can afford to be hospitable.

Fox says:

5. Kate: In the beginning, you will think that you wear lingerie, shave your legs, and get waxed for William. Eventually, you will come to realize that you do these things for yourself because they help you to feel sexy. Welcome to the new feminist sexual revolution.

We say:
5. Kate: In the beginning, you will think that you wear lingerie, shave your legs, and get waxed for William. Eventually, you will come to realize that you don’t ever have to do these things again and it will be a jungle down there. Welcome to the feminist sexual retro-lution. Bush is back!

Fox says:

6. Associate with good friends who will not leak your marriage problems to the tabloids and who will not reinforce your negativity when you rant about your spouse. Good friends ask questions like, “What are you going to do about this?” They do not encourage you to believe that your spouse is despicable.

We say:
6. It’s really important to get drunk and talk shit on your husband every once in a while. Make sure you do it with other married women. If I were you, I’d make it my personal mission to get the Queen to cut loose on some sherry and do some serious girl talk. Better yet, you guys should get drunk and play Girl Talk. Take a picture of the Queen with the zit stickers on her face and post it to Twitter.

Fox says:

7. William, whenever someone in your family asks you to do something that will affect Kate, say, “Let me check with my wife.” Kate, whenever someone in your family asks you to do something that will affect William, say, “Let me check with my husband.” If you make a decision without getting input from your spouse, say, “I’m sorry” and then make it right.

We say:
7. Basically your in-laws will be up your ass so much you’ll think you have hemorrhoids. “I’m sorry, I have to ask someone who’s of royal blood,” is more like it.

Fox says:

8. Every problem has multiple possible solutions. Even if your spouse wants to try a different solution than you do, just be happy that you are doing something about the problem. Many couples don’t even get that far.

We say:
8. Don’t worry, math will not be included on this test.

Fox says:

9. You have already seen one another at your best, and that is why you’ve decided to get married. You will know you are truly in love, however, once you’ve seen one another at your worst and you’ve decided to stay married despite what you just saw.

We say:
9. You know what? I think you guys are gonna make it. You’ve already seen Wills at his best (talk about “peaked in college,” huh?) and as the years go by, it’s likely we’re going to see Will at his worst. You must really love him to agree to live the rest of your life, and make this declaration an incredibly public manner — kind of like a kind of high-brow reality show. And just like a reality show, you’re probably not here to make friends—but you are here to make a family. Thankfully you’re bringing some outsider genes into the mix.