no thanks!
Image: Getty

It’s too much work to leave the house on New Year’s Eve, and American corporations have realized that, and now those of us who’ve long enjoyed sitting around our houses in tattered sleepwear on the 31st are going to be besieged by marketing.

Over at The Goods, E.J, Dickson has a piece about the ways the BRANDS are now attempting to tap into the “homebody economy,” which is to say, everybody who is planning to stay in on New Year’s Eve and watch some combination of countdown specials and HGTV reruns while slathering their feet in lotion and polishing off their leftover holiday snacks. For instance, Domino’s:

Home delivery brands like Domino’s, for instance, have partnered with food bloggers for sponsored ads for #DominosNYE, a code that offers 20 percent off online orders through December 31. Domino’s sponsored posts appear to be actively trying to downplay the glamor of New Year’s Eve, instead catering to a more sweatpants-and-messy-bun crowd. “There is literally nothing that sounds more horrific than getting dolled up, putting on heels, and celebrating 2019 with a group of strangers in a crowded nightclub,” food blogger Frosted Petticoat groused in a sponsored post, next to photos of plastic gold utensils and iceberg lettuce salads.

Bed Bath & Beyond and Netflix are also marketing to those who are absolutely not leaving their houses on the evening of the 31st. What are you doing New Year’s Eve? Sitting around ordering nonsense off the internet, just like every other day, King Curtis!

Well, I’ll have you know that I was sitting at home on New Year’s Eve long before the brands began attempting to hoover up the dollars of tired millennials. And I am offended at the notion that brands can manipulate me into doing what I was going to do anyway! Even if I do now want to order pizza in addition to my plans! I’m going to order Chinese food instead, just to show them who’s boss! ME! Ijapan’M THE BOSS OF ME!

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Really, though, I should capitalize on my longstanding commitment to sitting at home on my ass by pivoting to influencer status within the emerging trend of sitting at home on your ass. I’m about to pivot to sitting around on my couch in my carefully curated pajamas as my full-time job. It’s going to be great, until it becomes too carefully curated and I realize I’ve sold out my passion and must pivot yet again.