Your Slightly Embarrassing Mexican Tío ¡Jeb! Is BACK

Image for article titled Your Slightly Embarrassing Mexican Tío ¡Jeb! Is BACK

Jeb Bush, an ally so loyal to Mexicans that he has in the past marked “Hispanic” on the census despite being so white that his good American stock dates back to Massachusetts, has rushed to criticize Donald “taco truck” Trump for his extremely stupid Cinco de Mayo tweet, in which Trump posed with a freakin’ taco bowl and wrote “I Love Hispanics.”


El jefe Bush, like so many of his fellow Latinos, took issue with this very stupid tweet from a presumptive presidential candidate who is in actuality a Tantowel wrapped around a slab of pork roll. Emerging from the depressing, pine-tree-scented shame spiral in which Jeb’s been holing up since he dropped out of the race, he spoke about his disgust to his good friends at the Dutch newspaper NRC Handelsblad, via the New York Daily News:

What Trump did was so insensitive,” Bush told Dutch newspaper NRC Handelsblad in an interview published over the weekend. “Not all Hispanics are Mexican,” he added. “Not all Hispanics eat tacos.”

“Showing your sensitivity by eating an American dish is the most insensitive thing you can do,” he added. “To say this, next to all things he already said, is a further insult. It’s like eating a watermelon and saying, ‘I love African-Americans.’”

Tío JEB! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN. This comment is both truly a well-meaning gaffe and also devastatingly instructional. It is a perfect example of what happens when a self-presumed woke white man becomes too woke—so woke he tiptoes around the bend of wokeness and runs headlong into a car, catapulting his wokeness through the windshield.

My dude Jeb! While it was correct and noble to point out that not all Hispanics are Mexican, and that not all Hispanics eat tacos, it was the farthest thing from correct and noble to then evoke a false equivalency to loving African Americans and watermelon. For one, that would have been extremely racist, and while Donald Trump is most definitely racist, the act of eating the taco bowl was, in my estimation, more a flaccid act of attempted Hispandering (a misdemeanor) than an expression of racism. A corollary to it, for sure, but not as exactingly racist as Jeb’s watermelon scenario would have been. Maybe if Trump had been wearing a sombrero, we could talk.

But still, pobre Jebecito. In his heart, he really just wants to be recognized as the woke Mexican bae he truly is.

Image via Getty


JujyMonkey: unstable genius

Who’d have thought that both of these doughy, pampered, white dudes would be really bad at transparently pandering to non-white, non wealthy Americans?

Also, can we ever, truly say that Jeb(!) is woke?

Less drowsy sounding at best.