Move Over, El Bloombito; Spicy 'Hispanic' Jeb Bush is Here, Ajua!

Mr. Bush, a former Florida governor and likely presidential candidate, was born in Texas and hails from one of America’s most prominent political dynasties. But on at least one occasion, it appears he got carried away with his appeal to Spanish-speaking voters and claimed he actually was Hispanic.

In a 2009 voter-registration application, obtained from the Miami-Dade County Elections Department, Mr. Bush marked Hispanic in the field labeled “race/ethnicity.”

A Bush spokeswoman could offer no explanation for the characterization.

Jeb Bush (pronounced “Heb Boosh”) certainly speaks better Spanish than some of our leaders, such as former New York City Mayor Miguel “El Bloombito” Bloomberg and Jeb’s friend and fellow “Hispanic,” Mexican Mitt Romney aka The Most Mexican Man in the World. Bush is fluent, in fact, and majored in Latin American studies at the University of Texas-Austin, so he would definitely know what I mean if I said, “Ay güey, chingate. Chupa verga un perro!” Or other similar popular phrases en español, el Bush’s native Hispanic language.

Let’s examine the evidence:

In the 1970s, el Gordo worked as an English teacher in Léon, Guanajuato, México—INCIDENTALLY WHERE MY FAMILY IS FROM, POSSIBLY MAKING HIM MY COUSIN. There, he met his future wife, Columba Garnica Gallo, who is ALSO FROM LÉON, POSSIBLY MAKING HER MY COUSIN. Yo, this is uncanny! If Jeb Bush is “Hispanic,” and he I are cousins based on where he worked and where his wife was born and where my mother was born, does that mean… I AM PART OF THE BUSH CLAN? And if so, if I mark it on a document that is essentially legally binding—using the same logic Jebito claimed “Hispanic” heritage on his voter ID card—then does that mean I can claim my rightful inheritance from the Bush clan? Yes, I think it does! Gimme my check, pendejo! I’m coming for what’s mine.

“While Mr. Bush’s claiming to be Hispanic may have been a careless mistake,” writes the New York Times, “confusion over heritage is no laughing matter during a campaign season.” I BEG TO DIFFER, NEW YORK TIMES! I’M LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK! ¡AJUA!