Your Selfish Single Ass Is Gonna Destroy the Economy, HAPPY?

All the single ladies better hurry up and put a ring on it, because Gallup researchers are reporting that what the economy needs is more marriages. They found more than 130,000 people and found that married people throw their money around town like they’re doomsday preppers at Costco.

They found:

Married Americans report a daily spending average of $102, followed by $98 among those who are living in domestic partnerships, $74 by divorced Americans, $67 by those who are single and never married, and $62 by those who are widowed. … [A]cross all age groups, those who are married spend more than those of other marital statuses.

“Married Americans spend more than the average American in part because they have higher-than-average income. Single Americans spend less, in part because they have lower- than-average incomes.”

So, if you want to put back together the Humpty Dumpty that is current America, you should force someone to marry you immediately. Or, you could not get married and just save all the money and go in on a mansion with me, Golden Girls-style. Together we’ll await the collapse of modern civilization as we sip margaritas and play Guess Who. You in!? (I’m Dorothy.)