Illustration for article titled Your Most Nightmarish Moving Story
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This week, Jezebel moved offices. I should rephrase that: after learning we should expect to move offices soon, Jezebel and the rest of our network of sites were given two weeks to pack up and get the hell out of our old space. With such a short amount of time to get it together, the regular pains of moving were amplified. It’s mostly okay now, and look, Kim, there’s people that are dying—I’m out of complaints. As a person who has moved 17 times in my 27 years on this earth, I am speaking from experience when I say it could’ve been much worse. Moving is stressful, and the ways the process can get fucked up are limitless. Here are a few examples for my personal life: snow storm, heavy rain, lost shit, broken shit, stolen shit, breakups, breakdowns, etc.


Now it is your turn (and please, go into excruciating detail). What happened to make a particular move nightmarish?

But first, it’s time to evaluate last week’s winners. Here is a short collection of your best stories about the time someone spoiled something for you, and you were actually pissed off:

Spoilers ahead, naturally.

Danielle, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Trust no one, not even your co-workers. No one is your friend under capitalism:

I was in the middle of reading “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” for the first time at work one day during some downtime at work. It was shortly before “Deathly Hallows” came out, so while I was late to the game (I read all the books for the first time right around then), I don’t think it was unreasonable for it to be my first reading of the book. A co-worker walked by and said “Oh, that’s the one where Dumbledore dies!”

I could’ve straight-up avada kedavra’d the guy right there and happily have gone straight to prison about it.


Adrastra, patron saint of not giving a fuck, seemed to give some:

My (at the time) ten-year-old cousin looked me dead in the eye and said “Han Solo dies in the new Star Wars movie,” while I was trying to feed him and his younger siblings dinner. He wasn’t happy because I wouldn’t let him get up from the table until he’d eaten more of his banana. I gave him a pretty stern talking to, not because I was necessarily angry about the spoiler (but that was less than pleasing, I’ll admit), but because he’d lashed out at the person taking care of him in the most vicious way his fourth-grade brain could think of for the sake of upsetting them when he wasn’t getting his way.

He was a real Little Shit at that age, and to think, I was babysitting for free.

grumpstomer, I’m sorry, but not really:

That time a couple weeks ago when I thought it was safe to read jezebel a few hours after a GoT episode (I’m in Australia and it isn’t available until a few hours after the US airtime), figuring there wouldn’t be spoilers in the *headlines* and I saw: ARYA FUCKS, GET OVER IT. So yeah, jezebel is not getting my clicks on Mondays anymore >:(

infitinyburner, I am equally as sorry, but not really for you:

i’m still pissed about this. Jezebel ran an article the morning after (the morning after!!) the series finale of sons of anarchy and in the goddamn title the writer (i don’t remember who it was) let it be known that Gemma had been killed by Jax. in the freaking title.


Lizla, never:

Uh, you, Jezebel! Multiple times! Because you put spoilers in the titles of your articles. PLEASE stop doing it.


rentaduckie has it out for Kathy Lee:

The fucking Today Show. I had DVRd Grey’s Anatomy and I was going to watch it the day after it aired. That morning, no warning, just a, “So let’s talk about Derek’s death on Grey’s Anatomy last night!”

Are you fucking kidding me Kathy Lee?

I also had a coworker who read gossip blogs and she kept fucking telling me when other people were leaving the show. Like it wasn’t a secret, but I tend to not read those sources, and she’d be all, “Oh did you hear who’s leaving Grey’s?” And as I was saying, no I don’t want to know, she’d interrupt me and tell me. Asshole.


dunnaeknow, um...:

I’m the spoiler: I spoiled an engagement surprise. Twice.

I am friends with a couple and love them both equally (as in: not closer with one over the other). Guy Friend had privately + excitedly shown me the ring he bought for Gal Friend and revealed his plans to propose. Yay, wonderful, so happy! Fast forward to the shit show that was Election Night November 8, 2016. The three of us got rightfully shit-faced, almost got into a fight at one bar, then out of necessity moved to the next bar. Emotions were running VERY high and we were all VERY drunk. The moment I got Gal Friend alone, I guess I needed to bring some happiness to the evening because I gleefully slurred “GUY FRIEND BOUGHT YOU A RING AND IS GOING TO PROPOSE!!” Super Drunk Gal Friend was like “REALLY?! That’s cool” and then got distracted by something else. Spoiler #1: done.

Spoiler #2 came the next morning when I realized my shitty, shitty error and texted Gal Friend that I had told her something the night before and that she needed to forget what I had said. Well, her drunk ass HAD forgotten... until I texted her the reminder. Spoiler #2: done.

I had to do a lot of apologizing to Guy Friend, who was bummed but understood that I didn’t mean to be a dick. Luckily he was able to plan something rad and surprise her anyway a few months down the line. And now we all know to not trust me with any good secrets. Please don’t give me any good secrets.


Cartagia, your girlfriend is all of us:

I had been holding on to watching The Babadook until it was easily available at home and I was in the mood, so I’m talking months. I made it a long time. Then one night I just decide it’s finally time to check it out, so I ask my girlfriend, “Want to watch The Babadook?” because I knew for a fact she hadn’t seen it either.

“It sounds stupid. I can’t stand when the monster is all in the person’s head.”

“... wh... what?”

“Oh shit, did you not know? I looked it up forever ago.”

Completely blindsided. I was so excited to check out this massively critically acclaimed film that I had no clue about going in. Totally deflated my excitement to watch the movie. “So... I guess we will watch something else?” I didn’t watch it another like 2 months, and remained pissed about her killing my horror hard-on and anticipation whenever I thought about it.

Ended up not liking that much anyway because the kid annoyed the hell out of me and I probably related to Ossie Davis’s character too much, but knowing the end sucked out all of the tension of what is an otherwise well crafted movie.


FilledtotheBrimley, someone ruined this for me too and I’m still pissed:

Spoilers for The O.C., I guess:

It was May, 2006. Was I too old to be watching The O.C.? Maybe. I was visiting a friend out of town and couldn’t watch the episode the night before. I go to to check my email and there, in a bold, unredacted headline, are words to the effect of: The O.C. Killed Off Marissa Cooper. I was so unprepared! I was like, Mmm, whatcha say?


Relive that crappy move below.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. And now for something completely different: My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out July 21.

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