Avengers: Endgame premiered last week and according to every nerd I know, that’s a big deal. Here in New York (and I imagine in towns across the globe) scoring tickets to the film opening weekend was a near impossibility. For those committed to the franchise, the only thing more difficult than actually finding a way to see it was avoiding spoilers. You see where I’m going with this.
Turns out, if you’re the kind to follow Marvel movies, you probably also follow social media accounts related to Marvel—anything from comic book blogs to your loudmouth brother-in-law who can’t keep his trap shut—and not everyone can keep plot to themselves. And because it has been such a treacherous week online for a select few, I thought it would be fun for us all to suffer and relive the one time someone spoiled something for you... and you were actually, legitimately pissed off.
This can be anything from a movie ending or your roommate telling you she “googled who Gossip Girl is” so you two don’t have to “finish watching,” and then blurted out the identity before you could put down your wine and say, “Don’t you dare, bitch”—not speaking from experience, or anything—to someone ruining a surprise birthday party. This is life, baby, and there are so many ways to be disappointed. Let’s talk about them.
But first, here are last week’s winners: an inarguable collection of the most confounding things you’ve ever seen at a concert, in no particular order. For some of you, live music is the wild west, apparently?
Marvinogravelbaloonface’s stories have everything you could ever want: nudity, Philadelphia bands, cherry bombs and Aerosmith:
1. Aerosmtih played Philly in 1977. I couldn’t go but during the encore someone threw a cherry bomb onstage and it blew up near Joe Perry’s ear. They said they weren’t going to play Philly ever again. So, the next year, WMMR circulated a petition to get them to come back, which we all dutifully signed, as if they were really going to skip one of the biggest markets in the country. I was determined not to miss out because I was a massive fan at the time (in 1978, pre-rehab Aerosmith was one of a 14 years’old top two wet dreams). Tickets were $8. I had to scalp one for the princely sum of $14 but I gladly forked over the money. Golden Earring (Radar Love, Twilight Zone) opened and they were great. Aerosmith hit the stage and five songs into their set (just finished Big Ten Inch Record, and were just starting Toys in the Attic), someone threw a bottle which either hit Steven Tyler directly in the face, or hit his mic stand. I saw the glass shatter in his face. They all left except for the drummer, who yelled at us for about 5 minutes. I’ll never get that $14 back.
2. My friend used to play drums in a post punk band and he would take his shirt off after the second song of every set. Just to bust his balls, I would yell put your shirt back on every time. He and I went to see Leaving Trains in about ‘91 or so. The bass player had no shirt on. My friend yelled “Put your shirt on!” The bass player looked up, took off his pants, and played the rest of the set buck naked. He had his bass slung kind of high so the whole butcher shop was very clearly on display for the rest of the evening.
KyProphet, I guess it didn’t take much for us to get a urination story, now did it?:
I guess it’s time for me to talk about Extreme Elvis.
This was in 2002. I read a preview of his act in the LA Weekly. He was a conceptual Elvis impersonator, the concept being if the King was still alive he would go to GG Allin extremes to keep an audience. The show did not disappoint.
I figured it would be a good idea to stand near the back of the venue in case EE started defecating and/or throwing punches. Little did I know he had a wireless mic. Luckily there were no punches thrown.
Within two songs, EE was out of his Halloween costume-quality white jumpsuit. He began to roam around the venue pressing his naked fat body against anybody brave enough to not run away from him. His penis seemed to be petrified, as in scared. So scared that it practically retracted back into his body.
It was not so retracted that it couldn’t eject urine. He returned to the stage and let the warm jets fly. Naturally the crowd parted when he did this but then the most confounding thing I ever saw at a concert happened.
As EE was urinating, someone in the crowd (a fan?) stood directly in the line of fire, caught more than a mouthful and spit it right back, covering the naked King in his own piss.
I don’t remember what song was being played at the time this happened but it may have been “Devil In Disguise”.
Mortal Dictata, this sounds intense:
Went to an 80s gig days after the Manchester Bombing.
There’s simply something to behold watching armed police dancing along to synth, with an obvious disparity between those old enough to remember the same band “back in the day” really into it and their younger colleagues who tried and failed to maintain the aurora of professionalism as they stared in disbelief, all while armed with assault rifles and in tactical gear.
JealousAgain, I hope someone put this shit on YouTube:
In my younger, punker days, going to DIY punk and metal gigs made up the bulk ofmy severely lacking social life. In those warehouses and basements, I bore witness to endless blood (both fake and real), moshing with countless stupid props, crowd-surfing furniture, an aerial silk dancer hanging in the center of a mosh pit, and even a stabbing (unfortunately). But a few years ago, visiting friends in Japan, I witnessed a moment that I replay in my head often.
In Tokyo, the tiniest venues are frequently located in small basement bars, likely for the benefit of sound insulation and cost. Because of this, the ceilings are often fairly low, with the band just playing on the floor. At a poorly-attended punk show at one such venue in Suginami, I saw a man in the mosh pit get tossed up by a friend onto the sparse crowd. As the audience lacked the sufficient density to keep him afloat, he immediately started falling head first to the ground. It was like watching a car crash, with that feeling of nausea and powerlessness. As he was going down, something instinctual in him must have kicked in. He reached his legs up and “walked” on the ceiling, turning his completely vertical fall into a backflip. He landed on the floor safely, my mouth dropped, and my eyes locked with a stranger across the room whose mouth also hung open. I’ve never gone from panic, to amazement, to camaraderie so quickly.
Early 90s London. Blur? Anywho, there was a giant screen showing someone eating then taking a shit, in reverse. The POV was uh, exactly what you’re thinking.
DungTide, I hate this:
Late 80's Black Flag had just broken up. First tour of what would become the Rollins Band playing at this infamous joint in Detroit called the Graystone Hall. They were preceded by this motley band called Boom and the Legion of Doom from I think Kent OH?
All, or some of Boom, were working at a slaughterhouse and adorned the stage with carcass parts during their show. After this was cleaned up Rollins comes on and Boom and the Boys proceed to throw goat heads and carcass parts on the stage for the first couple of songs. Rollins gets sick of it and says in a crazy voice “stop the f-ing music.” Then, turns to the drummer and in that same voice says “give me your drumstick.”
He grabs an animal head, turns his back to the crowd, and fumbles around with it for a second. After what seems like ten minutes but was probably ten seconds he turns around and uses the drumstick to wrench an eye out of it’s socket - along with a good bit of goo. He holds it up for everyone to see then sticks it in his mouth. Again, he chews for what seems like an eternity then spits the whole thing out into the audience. Everyone naturally cheers and goes crazy. I have a vivid memory of the drummer getting his stick back and wiping it on his shirt, and then getting on with the set.
I don’t remember seeing Boom after that but I heard that Henry pounded him backstage after.
As I’ve never been to a concert, this:
Drop those spoiled moments in the comments below, but please, no Avengers: Endgame secrets. Don’t be that asshole.