Your Bra Is Trying to Murder You While You Sleep

Ugh, I am like the worst bra-haver on earth. I abuse bras. I throw them on the floor and I warp them in the dryer and I pull their underwires out with pliers when they turn on me and begin to stab my tender armpit-meat. AND THEN I HUMILIATE THE UNDERWIRES IN FRONT OF THOSE WHOSE RESPECT THEY MOST CRAVE. Because fuck ’em.

It’s all born out of bitterness, for sure, because bras abuse me too. If I want to go out and buy a new bra, I might have three options, and that’s at the big mall. But at least I have some variety—all of those options exist somewhere on the continuum between ugly and garbage! I’m sure if I could waltz into any fancy lingerie store and buy some $400 boob-scaffolding covered in rubies pooped out by civet cats, I’d hand-wash my bras too or whatever. But I’m not going to respect something that doesn’t respect me. I’m not hand-washing my garbage. Hmph.

And now they’re saying that my bra might be causing me actual physical harm beyond the permanent Tetanus-infested puncture wounds festering in my side-gardens? FUCK. THAT. I mean, I’m not going to stop wearing them. But I might just dry you twice tomorrow, itchy stabby Lane Bryant black lace plunge thingy. (Also WHAT IS A “CACIQUE.”)

Here’s the Daily Mail with some insights from chiropractors and bra inventors (so take all of it with as much salt as you like):

‘Traditional bras are often too tight around the ribs, creating a pivot point in the middle of the back, dividing it into two smaller areas that can’t work as effectively.

‘The lack of support at the front can also bring the upper back forward and to compensate for this, many women end up tilting their heads backwards.

‘All these slight but continuous maladjustments put unnecessary pressure on the diaphragm, which if you are sitting at a desk for hours each day, affect the breathing mechanism and can also be a direct link to digestion problems and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).

Shirley’s problems have now disappeared after she was properly fitted with a new bra called Optibra. She said it has even helped her breathe more easily.

Designed by NHS bra fitter Sue McDonald and consultant plastic surgeon Atul Khanna, the bra is fitted ‘three-dimensionally’.

…Optibra is based on three measurements taken with a patented elastic strap using colour, letter and number combinations to define frame, depth and volume.

Okey dokey. But do I need pliers? Does it come in fucking H? Because otherwise I’m still mad at you, bras. (Not you, boobs, we’re cool.)