You Know What's Better Than Boning? A Delicious Mouthful of Ice

Listen: There are fewer things better than engaging in sexual congress with another human being. The first is pizza, the second is Lisa Frank stickers and the third is having a bed all to yourself and sleeping on a fucking diagonal. And then there’s ice. Refreshing? Sure. Better than sex? You decide.

The reason we’re even talking about chomping on ice is because a new study suggests that for some people, ice isn’t just something to put in their drink or slip down the shirt of an unsuspecting friend on a cold day, but that it’s a need. Some people allegedly crave ice. They’ve got to have it. And it’s all because of an iron deficiency. (And before you ask, no, water just won’t do.) (This bit I agree with. Ice is at least ten times more fun than stupid water. Waterfrom USA Today:

…pagophagia is a type of pica, a disorder that makes people crave and eat nonfoods (like dirt and clay, which the Learning Channel has turned into reality TV shows). Study author Melissa Hunt says this cognitive boost may be related to the “mammalian diving reflex,” a trigger that causes blood-flow to the brain when a vertebrate is exposed to cold water.

According to the study, which was published in Medical Hypotheses, researchers tested participants who are living with anemia (and a non-anemic control) with an ADHD assessment. Before the assessment, some participants were given lukewarm water and some were given ice to chomp. Those anemic participants who snacked on ice did much better on the assessment. This could be due to pagophagia, but it could also be due to the fact that anyone who freezes their mouth off before an exam might be just a little bit more awake and alert.

While the study has yet to be replicated, one hematologist who’s criticized it agrees that some of his patients just love ice so much that they would literally marry it if they could and then mourn their life choices after the fact.

“I had one patient tell me: ‘I love ice. It’s better than sex,'” he says.

If you’re not into ice like that, you could also use it to lose weight (questionable) or just say “fuck it” and remind anyone who likes ice that chewing it is also a sign of sexual frustration and then wander off before they tell you it’s a myth.