Yahoo Shareholder Hits on Marissa Mayer Like a Total Creep

Hey! Here’s a Big Business Idea for all the Big Businessmen reading this article right now (let’s call it the Businesswomen’s Special!): Try using a discarded pen lid for a tie clip, and also DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BANG THE FEMALE CEO DURING THE SHAREHOLDER MEETING.

One plucky fellow didn’t get that memo, apparently, and turned on the charm at a recent meeting with Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer. Here is the group of words that appeared in that dude’s brain region, battled their way way past Cerberus the gatekeeper and into the throat and down the tongue and out the voice-hole and into the air:

“I have 2,000 Yahoo shares, I’m Greek, I’m a dirty old man and you look attractive.”

When reached for comment, the rest of the goddamn civilized world breathed heavily into a bag and then replied:

Now. Okay. I am not certain what is so complicated here. I know it’s confusing for a lot of fellows to have ladies in slacks cluttering up the office and sometimes even standing at podiums telling men what to do like the supreme ~~dic~~wombtator of some feminazi shoe-topia (that’s like a utopia but for ladies—you know, because we FUCKING LOVE SHOES! HHHNNNNGGGG!!!). But this is the future. It is only going to get more confusing.

So maybe there’s some simple shortcut, to help out for the time being? How about a list of things you should never, ever say to your female CEO? You could carry it around in your pocket, and then any time you had the urge to say something to your female CEO, just check the list and you’re home-free! Would that help? You could laminate it. In case things get moist in there.

A LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER SAY TO YOUR FEMALE CEO

1. “I have 2,000 Yahoo shares, I’m Greek, I’m a dirty old man and you look attractive.”

2. “I have 2,000 Yahoo shares, I’m Greek, I’m a dirty old man and you look attractive.”

3. “I have 2,000 Yahoo shares, I’m Greek, I’m a dirty old man and you look attractive.”

4. “I have some questions about the quarterly reports, and I’d like you to please jangle my souvlaki.”

5. Anything about tzatziki.

6. “Hey, bitchin’ cans.”

7. “Hey, could you swing by my office later so we can proliferate some dividends? OUT OF MY DICK!?”

8. “Hey, I would like to have sex with you because of your bitchin’ cans.”

9. “Please touch me on the dick.”

10. “Please have sex with me.”

11. “Please.” (With your dick out.)

12. “I see you only as a sexual object and I will never take you seriously as a human being no matter how high you climb in your field and no matter how much professional authority you have over me. I will always think of you as a collection of sexual organs first and a complex, competent, forceful person second. Actually, scratch that second part. You’re just hot snatch in a suit.”