WTF, Texting is On The Way Out, NBD, LOL

Have you been praying for some sort of cataclysmic global event to bring about the end of technology so you no longer have to endure the technological tyranny that is texting? Well, good news!

According to a report in The Guardian, the messaging software popularized by your teenage self and then bastardized by drunk dialers everywhere may be on its way out the door. Texting is on the decline in some regions, including the U.K. That is up near Michigan, I think, for those of you wondering! (Editor’s Note: No, it is not. We bought her a map. God help us, we try.)

Accounting firm Deloitte’s annual technology predictions report,
released on Monday, forecasts the number will fall again this year to
140bn. The head of telecoms
research at Deloitte, Paul Lee, said: “This is the first decline in
texting in the UK since texting was invented. We have reached a tipping
point. But the usage of mobile phones to send messages is stronger than ever. This year, trillions of instant messages will be sent in place of a text message.”

Younger users are turning away from SMS (standard messaging service) in favor of cheaper alternate messaging apps such as Snapchat and other programs because they offer features like being able to chat with multiple users at once, or adding photos, videos and crazy cartoon icons to their messages. Because who doesn’t love that!

The trend began in the US and is now spreading worldwide. The report
claims that 160bn instant messages were sent in Britain last year,
outstripping the number of texts for the first time. By the end of 2014,
300bn instant messages will be sent – more than twice the annual number
of texts.Globally, Lee predicts 50bn instant messages will be sent each
day – 18 trillion over the next 12 months – compared with 21bn texts.

Well, so there you go. Texting is over; you can throw away all your phones that have stupid text messaging programs on them now forever. I don’t actually use texts or any digital messaging programs. I communicate with friends and loved ones solely through an elaborate series of carefully timed, multicolored smoke signals from the roof of my house. Sometimes it works very well and sometimes it causes the house to catch on fire and the police tell me that I have to stop doing things like setting fires on my roof. Whatever; no one understands you when you’re living off the grid, man.