Wrap Your Lover's Member in a 'Bespoke' Condom

By Megan Reynolds  |  October 12, 2017 | 11:20pm
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Gather your menfolk who complain far and wide that the regular Trojan you’ve handed them is cutting blood flow to their precious Vienna sausage: there are “bespoke” condoms now, with over 60 size options for the recalcitrant man in your life who, like, hates condoms, babe.

The New York Times reports that a Boston-based company is addressing this “issue” that men across this great nation “have” with regard to condoms and have created an astonishing range of fits meant to take into consideration all iterations of girth, length, curve, dip, wart, and dimple represented by the average male member. myONE Perfect Fit provides men with a template with which to measure their ding dongs. They send the measurements into the company and the company sends back condoms perfectly engineered for their wangs. The men then put the condoms on their dongs and get to safe fuckin’.

If you’re wondering why it had to come to this, there’s a very simple reason: according to the Times, standard condom length is a respectable 6.69 inches (nice). The length of the average erect penis, however, is a still-respectable but slightly shorter 5.57 inches. Hmm. Interesting.

This one-size-fits-all thinking is not the jam for the wide and wooly range of dick shape and sizes across this great land—if your dong is short and stout, like a fire plug, the condom might be too tight. If it’s long and thin, like a colored pencil, the condom might float around your D like a couture gown. Both situations are less than ideal, but thankfully, this company has taken both ego and comfort into consideration.

Most men the Times spoke to found the custom-fit condoms fine; the community of “men who consider their penises small” on Reddit, however had other things to say:

One member, RatsSewer — who like other users declined to provide his real name — said non-latex materials “would be way more helpful than custom condoms,” adding “If I want good sex, I don’t use a condom.”
Another, Thrown_away011235, seemed interested, citing “condoms rolling up and slipping off in the past.”
Monkeyfun14 said he had ordered custom condoms, and “while they fit well,” he considered standard cheaper ones sufficient. “It’s not like a pair of shoes or a brassiere that you have to wear all day.”

I appreciate Monkeyfun14’s healthy attitude to safe sex but RatsSewer needs to never have sex again. Please, wear a goddamn condom. Thank you. Good day.

 
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